Lead illustration by Heather Benjamin

Welcome back to Stoned Sex, the column where I’ll be exploring the intersection of sex and sativas, intercourse and indicas, often through first-hand experience and interviews with experts.

For this week’s edition, we’ll advise on how to preserve your sex life while locked up in qurantine. Stoned Sex runs every other week, so make sure to stay tuned for the next dose.

My boyfriend is more concerned with my weed supply than I am. Why? Well, he has to co-quarantine with me, and he knows that I’m much more pleasant when I have my medicine. 

Even by modest reports, experts say social distancing will last up to two months. That’s a long time in capitalism-years. The quarantine is already impacting every part of society — from the ways we socialize and work to how we consume. Everything is changing. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, even though economists are comparing our financial situation to the Great Depression. We have to stay strong and keep our spirits high and minds alive. Meditate, do at-home yoga, enjoy your favorite snacks, and remember that this, too, shall pass. 

If there’s one thing that affects human emotions (other than the thundering anxiety of COVID-19), it’s love trouble — and this damn virus is impacting our intimate relationships, without doubt. Whether you’re single or partnered, our need for intimate connection is likely being challenged in some capacity. But keep reading, friends! Here’s how cannabis can save your sex and love life during social distancing.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

When there’s not much to do but scroll through Instagram, there’s a chance your coronavirus cutie might double-tap one of their ex’s sexy mask selfies. You have two options: You can get into an argument over something that means absolutely nothing while holed up with canned food and farts, or you can let it go. 

The right thing to do, unless you want to start World War III (or IV?) in your living quarters, is just let it go. Woooosah. Take a deep breath, and smoke some weed instead. Don’t mention the Instagram comment. Go down on your partner instead. Trust me. You don’t want to break up over a social media argument. It will be another few months before you can find someone new to fuck you anyway. Plus, will you even really care in a day or two or a week? Probably not. But if you do… practice some yoga and smoke more weed.


Cannabis Lowers Inhibitions

It’s a tricky time to meet new partners, given that we’re in quarantine and all. It’s a bummer. But, the good news is that times of crisis leave people bored and horny. We might not be able to go anywhere, but everyone is on Tinder. Cannabis — in particular, our good friend THC — can lower inhibitions without turning us into a total ass. Eat an edible, start swiping, and talk to some cuties. Ask them if they want to sext or have a Skype date. (Don’t just send an unsolicited dick pic…) Make things interesting. Now is the best time to flirt and revel in the thrill of sexual tension and wanting what you can’t have — yet.

“Connect with people over the phone, over Facetime, over Skype. Use technology to stay connected to the people you care about or to meet new people,” said cannabis-friendly matchmaker Molly Peckler. Get to know your new prospects now. Then you can meet in real life when we all hopefully survive this shit. 


Cannabis Is Amazing for Aftercare

Aftercare is a word used by the BDSM community to describe caring for one another after sex to ensure all emotional and physical needs are met. Ask your partner if they feel good and happy, and what you can learn for next time. Use an anti-inflammatory and pain-relieving topical on spanking bruises. “I stocked up on cannabis topicals, I’m going to need some poundings to get through this shit,” said Grace, a 32-year-old in Los Angeles. 

During a pandemic, we all could use some extra aftercare. If you and your partner live together, offer them a dab and send them back to the moon after an orgasm. Use CBD massage oil to ease one another’s joint tension. Take an edible with your partner and dance with them until you float yourself into a cuddle puddle on the couch. Share a joint — or if you’re really worried, roll separate joints — and talk about the hot sex you had, or want to have, or take a bath with a CBD bath bomb

While quarantining is extreme and a bit scary for us all, it is undoubtedly a great time to slow down and connect with your lover, even if you’re stranded on opposite ends of the city or state. When was the last time you had Skype sex? It’s hot. Don’t hang up after you come, stay on the line and ask how your partner’s orgasm was, how they are doing emotionally, and make sure to remind them how much you miss them. 


Cannabis Enhances Creativity

Research shows that cannabis enhances divergent thinking, or our brain’s way of connecting seemingly unrelated ideas. While stoned, you may realize that you have a doctor fetish and the black sterile nitrile gloves your mom told you to order would be great for fisting (use lube). 

Diversity is crucial for a good sex life. No, that doesn’t mean you have to be poly (especially during a pandemic). But, by keeping cannabis around, whether you’re coming up with new sexts to send or resourceful role-playing ideas, you can smoke away sexual boredom.

By the end of this, we are all going to be master-masturbaters. Get high and have some fun. Try edging, or bringing yourself close to orgasm but stopping right before you do, then build up the full-body tension again and let yourself experience double the euphoria. Try fitting (with plenty of lube) extra fingers up your pussy or asshole. Masturbate in the bathtub or shower. Consider ordering a new sex toy. Dress up. Remote role-playing is the hot new kink. 

It’s a Way to Connect with Others

Have you ever walked in on people doing coke? Have you ever been the one doing coke? Usually, you want to hide so no one else does your drugs. But, weed is the opposite — and thank Jah for that. Cannabis is a communal substance that makes its users yearn to share. And even though it causes introspection, it also encourages you to reach out to others. 

Indulge with your corona bae or set up a sexy Skype smoke sesh. How creative can you get with cannabis sexting? Naked dabs? Edible-fueled spoken poetry? Smoke out dance sesh? A chance to finally get on TikTok? Perhaps you can use the strain you’re smoking as a conversation starter. Reach out and connect with friends and other stoners so you don’t drive your partner completely bonkers.

“Social distancing has allowed me and my primary partner to become closer on many levels. We have chosen to not focus on seeking out new play partners, but also want to check in with the current partners that she and I have together and separately,” said Ray, 28, from Brooklyn.

And on that note, support sex workers! They are getting shadowbanned on social media, and are struggling to make ends meet during the pandemic. Now is the time to support independent, marginalized creators, and digital sex work is a positive (and sanitary) way to both get off and meet new people. So, if you have the means, consider giving some bill$ to a cam model or signing up for a hottie’s OnlyFans or ManyVids. 


Cannabis Enhances Orgasm

Stocking up on cannabis can be costly. But, this pandemic is psychological as much as it is physical. So, we must fight through this trying period with every modality we have — yes, even utilizing the therapeutic power of orgasm. Thankfully, those are free.

The plant also heightens senses, including touch, which infinitely boosts orgasms. Applying a 420-pleasure oil topically to the mucous membranes of the vagina or anus can increase blood flow to the area. Inserting a cannabis suppository can also send blood there, too. And when fresh, oxygenated blood is flooding the genitals, know that your orgasms will be otherworldly. 

Edibles also have a well-earned reputation for ethereal body highs. Since they last so long and are easily stored, edibles are an excellent product to stock up on. Plus, you can eat them and then have sex or masturbate for hours upon hours. Weed makes orgasms better. And orgasms make life more bearable. So, stoned orgasms make life — even under quarantine — worth celebrating. 


Cannabis Treats Anxiety

The pandemic is a life-altering experience. We’ll all remember where we were and who we were with. For better or worse, COVID-19 is a bonding experience, so we better toke up and make the fucking best of it. There are reports coming out of China that couples are exiting quarantine and immediately getting divorced — and experts predict the same will happen for us. 

We’re already living through a traumatic time — not to mention a market crash on top of it all. Let’s not add a break-up to the mix. Medicinally, we can use cannabis to treat PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Times will get tough. You will want to take it out on your partner or crush. 

But, for the sake of your life, your relationship, and your stress levels, please: Stay stoned throughout this experience, and let’s get through it together in peace.

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