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Oh boy — here come the secret files. It was recently discovered that the Trump administration was keeping tabs on celebrities who support drug policy reform and other “liberal” ideas, which is likely the tip of an infuriating, deeply chilling iceberg. 

The “PSA Celebrity Tracker” (PCT) database, released by The House Oversight Committee, is an official spreadsheet that was undertaken and maintained by Trump henchman, Michael Caputo.

Caputo’s team ostensibly created the file as part of an effort to recruit celebrities to participate in a “Helping the President Will Help the Country” ad campaign. The campaign was supposedly aimed at promoting health and safety during the coronavirus pandemic. Uh, huh. Sure.

Among the nearly 300 prominent citizens listed are pro-weed advocates such as Seth Rogen, John Legend, Joe Rogan, Jay-Z, Seth McFarlane, Awkawfina, Jack Black, and — who else? — Snoop Dogg.

The PCT even rounds up Trump-loving suck-lords such as Kid Rock, Scott Baio, Jon Voight, and Larry the Cable Guy. Wow. Imagine that dream team enlightening the nation about COVID matters.

Next to each celebrity’s name is their response to being contacted, the demographic they’d be expected to reach, and — under “Additional Notes” — a rundown of their political opinions and any prior legal issues and/or substance misuse history.

“Controversial political comments during elections,” the notes next to Snoop Dogg read. “Critical of President Trump. Arrested in 1993 related to driving vehicle related to murder.” (A charge, by the way, for which Snoop was fully exonerated).

Seth Rogen’s notes read: “Describes himself as ‘left-wing’; has been outspoken about marijuana legalization.”

As for Kim Kardashian, the PCT states: “Publicly stated drug use. Christian. Supported Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential race. Advocate for recognition of Armenian Genocide. Anti-gun violence.”

There are hundreds of such listings in the database, including head-scratchers on the order of Billy Joel, Al Pacino, and William Shatner. Fire up a fatty and dive in; you won’t know whether to laugh or cry but at least you’ll be stoned as you once again face the wretched horror to which Trump reduced our country.

That list was uncovered as part of a congressional committee inquiry into money spent by the US Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) during the pandemic. Caputo actually serves as the HHS spokesman.

The specific congressional groups overseeing the inquiry — the Oversight Committee, Select Subcommittee on the Coronavirus Crisis and Oversight’s Economic and Consumer Policy Subcommittee — issued an appropriately critical press release in response to Caputo’s dirty doings.

“It is critical that HHS provide accurate, nonpolitical public health information to the American people that encourages mask wearing, social distancing, and other science-backed public health recommendations,” the release stated. “Yet, the documents we have obtained indicate that HHS political appointees sought to use taxpayer dollars to advance a partisan political agenda and direct taxpayer money to their friends and allies.

Celebrities listed as outwardly declining Caputo’s invite include Britney Spears, Dwayne Johnson, Selena Gomez, Carrie Underwood, Viola Davis, Mark Wahlberg, Sandra Oh, and Trevor Noah, and — wait for it — Guy Fieri.

The PCT also lists the grand total of two performers who accepted the call to rise up and “Help the President Help the Country” — Dennis Quaid and Marc Anthony. In fairness, Marc Anthony came out ferociously against Trump before the election. Dennis Quaid chose otherwise — and we won’t forget.