NEWS
Ohio Wants to Add “Bengals/Browns Fan” as Qualifying Condition for Medical Weed
Unfortunately, the petition is already destined for failure, just like the Super Bowl chances for the Bengals and Browns.
Published on January 8, 2020

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The NFL kicked off its first weekend of playoff games with the Seahawks, Texans, Titans, and Vikings all advancing to the second round. But unfortunately for football fans in Ohio, neither the hometown Bengals or Browns have won a playoff game since 1995. 

Now, to try and quell the annual stress and depression of being an Ohio football fan, locals are petitioning the state to officially include “Bengals/Browns Fan” as a qualifying condition for the state’s medical marijuana program.

In an annual open petition session that allows Ohio residents to suggest new ailments for the state’s burgeoning MMJ industry, NFL fandom was added alongside 27 other suggested conditions, including PTSD and chronic pain.

According to Cincinnati.com, though, the anonymously submitted petition is a joke (obviously), and has just as slim a chance of being adopted into law as the Bengals or Browns’ Super Bowl odds.

To confirm new qualifying conditions, the State Medical Board of Ohio requires significant medical or scientific evidence of marijuana’s benefit to the ailment, in addition to supporting testimony from relevant experts and doctors. Unfortunately for Cincinnati and Cleveland football diehards, we’re not aware of any physicians specializing in NFL fandom woes. 

Even without the absurd pigskin pretense, placing any new conditions on Ohio’s qualifying list has proved harder than expected. Last year, five conditions — anxiety, autism spectrum disorder, depression, insomnia, and opioid use disorder — made it to a final round of regulatory scrutiny before all five were rejected.

But if Ohio is able to transition its medical-only cannabis program to a full-scale recreational market in coming years, one local MMJ expert has an idea that might help ease the pain of another losing season. 

"Maybe they should sell marijuana as well as beer at the stadium," Rob Ryan, leader of the pro-cannabis coalition Ohio Patient Network, told Cincinnati.com "It might calm the crowd down."

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Zach Harris is a writer based in Philadelphia whose work has appeared on Noisey, First We Feast, and Jenkem Magazine. You can find him on Twitter @10000youtubes complaining about NBA referees.
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