Valentine’s Day—that ugly marketing trap turned mandatory gift-giving event—is almost here again. Those of us in committed relationships have to brainstorm the perfectly thoughtful present that’s going to make our sweethearts swoon. Though “it’s the thought that counts,” good intentions won’t save you if your Valentine’s Day present sucks and weed is the only thing making hearts race. Here are some awful Valday prezzies that will ensure you’re single by summer.
Humorous Toilet Paper
Image via Etsy
The most disturbing of these kitschy, handmade, love-themed toilet paper rolls is the diarrhea one at the bottom. It takes someone extremely mentally unstable to think that this would be a good gift idea.
A $195 Goop “Energy Cleaning Kit”
Image via Goop
Goop came out with its ridiculous 2017 Valentine’s Guide, and this Energy Cleaning Kit tops the list of the worst items on it. Gwyneth Paltrow claims that for $195 you can “cleanse your personal sanctuary of any and all negative energy.” The kit, which comes with sage, a feather, and a smudge bowl isn’t just ridiculously overpriced, it’s single-use!
Any Cleaning Item
Image via Amazon
Never, ever get your lover a gift that can be used for cleaning. It’s insulting, and it’s basically saying, “You’re the maid! You love cleaning!” Nobody loves cleaning. It may seem like a good idea in your head. “He said that he ‘really wants to try that Dustbuster’ he saw on TV,” you’ll convince yourself. It’s a terrible idea that will do your relationship dirty.
Bud Lite in a Rose Box
Image via ChrisWithWings
There’s nothing wrong with giving your S.O. an adult beverage on V-Day. A custom cocktail, a handle of craft whiskey, a vintage wine, and a bottle of champagne all fall within the lines of “normal” for an alcohol-themed gift. But when your girl says she wants “bubbly,” she definitely did not mean this $14.99 grocery story rose box of six “daddy sodas.” At least save your money and get her a case! It’s a better value!
An Engraved Knife
Image via Etsy
Maybe I read too much true crime, but this looks like something that Annie Wilkes would buy. I can just hear some psycho screaming out, “I love YOU more!!” while stabbing the heart that was promised to them in their mind. After you buy this knife, all your loved one needs is a shovel and a tarp and you can get Gone Girl-ed real quick.
Sex Coupons in a Lightbulb
Image via Etsy
Unless you’re 9 and it’s Mother’s Day, you’re not allowed to give people “a bunch of coupons” as a legitimate gift. Paying actual money ($20 for blanks, $30 for pre-printed) for these “sex coupons” shoved inside a lightbulb is even more egregious. Adding to the shittiness is the pun attempt of “You turn me on” scrawled in Comic Sans. I shudder to think what kind of sexual acts are suggested by these tiny scrolls, and cannot fathom a situation where taking out this lightbulb wouldn’t absolutely ruin the moment.