If holidays were based on the importance of what (or who) is being celebrated, Mother's Day would trump them all. Not only are moms responsible for repopulating the planet, perpetuating the sentience of the human race as a whole, they sacrifice the most precious part of their bodies to do so. Motherhood is the ultimate act of selflessness, and largely a thankless one at that.
However, that's not to say being a mom doesn't have its upsides. Despite what MTV's neverending Teen Mom franchise would have you believe, maybe, just maybe, your kid won't suck as much as his video-game-addicted father. Maybe they'll grow up to be a Rihanna-Obama-esque hybrid human that will save the world and buy you a mansion while doing it. Probably, though, they won't, and you'll be stuck with store-bought cards from a person whose laundry you're still responsible for. Don't be that child.
When choosing a gift this Mother's Day, I challenge you to really think about what your mom would want, not in terms of the floral scarf, bouquet, hideous Pandora charm bracelet — or whatever else the vacuum of cable television is trying to sell you — but in terms of what her life is lacking. To get you started, here are some beautifully packaged, female-friendly canna-gifts. Not only will these specific treats enhance mom's life in a variety of ways, they will illustrate that you recognize the sacrifice she made to bring you into the world! After all, what says "I appreciate your mind, body, and spirit" better than the soul-saving wonders of weed?
For the mom in need of some "me time"...
DeFonce Chocolatier's Matcha Bar
An absence of "Me Time" seems to be a blanket complaint for most moms, especially those with little ones running around. If you're reading this you're clearly grown up, at least physically, but that doesn't mean your mom couldn't use a mental break from the onslaught of hurdles her title entails.
To add touch of finery to her existence, consider DeFonce Chocolatier's Matcha Bar. This decadent 90mg THC bar is not only crafted from pure white chocolate infused with green tea matcha, but even comes quilted like a Chanel bag. With each little triangle offering a very mom-friendly dosage of 5mg THC, this ganja gift is a winner. The gourmet flavor gives way to a certain buoyancy, its high characterized by a tingling sense of joy. Unlike the combination of espresso and THC, which can lead to jitters and anxiety, the combination of matcha's uplifting quality and THC's calming effect offers something rarely attainable in this life: balance.
For more on DeFonce, visit the company's website here
For the mom who needs to chill...
Lord Jones' CBD Gumdrops
Are you suspicious your mom may have zero chill? Was she a member of the PTA when you were younger? Does she serve on any sort of homeowners association? Is she involved with any kind of "Mother's Against..." organization? If you answered yes to any of these questions, your suspicions are correct. Your mom, above all else, needs to chill.
Are you over 18?
For the high strung, do-it-all mom who may or may not be overcompensating for the gnawing boredom that plagues her personal life, we have the holy grail of chill pills: Lord Jones' CBD Gumdrops. Each gumdrop contains 20mg CBD, and is made from simple ingredients like natural fruit flavors, gelatin, sugar, and citric acid. While CBD doesn't technically get you "high," I've found these gumdrops to be a bit of a cure-all for any annoying ailment one can experience — from pain and anxiety to the existential weight of midlife boredom.
For more on Lord Jones, visit the company's website here
For the mom in constant need of a massage...
Papa and Barkley's Releaf Balm
If your mom has a job where she's on her feet all day, or can be caught complaining about any sort of physical ailment on the regular, then Papa and Barkley's Releaf Balm is for her. Hands-down the best topical on the market (IMO), this soothing blend of cannabis, coconut oil, beeswax, vitamin E, and eucalyptus, tea tree, peppermint and lavender oil is truly divine. Though this topical won't get her technically high, the blend of intoxicating smells and pain-relieving effects does not disappoint.
For more on Papa and Barkley, visit the company's website here
For the mom in need of a spa day (every mom ever)...
Verte Essentials' Ensemble de Amour
Spa days are the holy grail of Mother's Day gifts. Facials, massages, steam rooms, champagne, they have it all — a veritable one-stop shop of everything your mom needs, wants, and deserves. However, they're fucking expensive. At any spa worth going to, a mere facial can run you upwards of $200, and to qualify as a spa DAY, you need at least three or four treatments. No matter how much you love your mom, it's hard to justify a gift approaching $1000 unless you're a rapper or made guap through crypto…
Are you over 18?
However, we've found the perfect compromise, a gift that I'll venture as far as to say every woman would love to receive: Verte Essentials' Ensemble de Amour. This "Restore" four-piece hemp extract gift set is guided by notes of rose and lavender oil, featuring a vial of Vital Oil (topical and edible), a roller application of the same, a "Pour Le Corps" spray, and — the coup de grâce — a bottle of their Luxe Soak for an aromatherapy bath offering unmatched relaxation. Though coming in a tad pricey at $173, you're gifting a spa day that keeps on giving… at a fraction of the price.
For more on Verte Essentials, visit the company's website here
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