I’ll start this review by admitting that I’m not in a very horny phase right now, despite that, Aquaman got my clitoris to raise an eyebrow and for that I’ll be forever grateful. Aquaman is played by Jason Momoa, who was Khal Drogo on Game Of Thrones. Jason Momoa is so hunky and fine that it allowed me to overlook the fact that he’s a terrible actor and enjoy the shit out of this movie.
On my way to the theatre I ate 20 milligrams of Kiva Dark Chocolate (100 MG CBD/ 100 MG THC). I normally don’t have more than 5 MG at a time, but I figured what the fuck…it’s Aquaman time and I’m feeling wild and ready to go underwater.
I arrived 5 minutes late to the film because I was craving a hot dog and the dude at the concession stand took forever to prepare it. With hot dog in hand, I walked into the theatre during one of the opening scenes where Nicole Kidman is sucking on a live goldfish, an image which I will never get out of my head. 5 minutes in and a fish is getting sucked off….I already loved this film.
It begins with Aquaman’s origin story: his mother Atlanna, Queen of Atlantis (played by Nicole Kidman) gets swept up by a huge wave and ends up in…Maine, USA. She’s immediately rescued by a lighthouse keeper named Tom Curry (Temura Morrison). Tom nurses her back to health and she kind of just moves into his place, which he’s probably stoked about because he’s an average looking guy and she’s literally the queen of the ocean and a supermodel. When Atlanna reveals to Tom that she’s some sort of sea royalty, he asks no questions and is just like “Hell yeah, sounds chill.” He also doesn’t ask her why her character has a different accent every time she talks (I counted 6 different accents).
A week later she’s knocked up and a little Aquaman is born! Shortly after his birth, some dudes that look like Storm Troopers come to take Atlanna away, because she’s committed the great sin of being horny for a human man.
Cut to like 20 years later, and baby Aquaman has developed into a human brick. We see a fully tatted, smokey eyed, low-rise jean wearing Jason Momoa jumping into a submarine and saying something that I didn’t understand (he’s pretty hard to understand the entire movie because it all sounds like grunts). Anyway, he rescues the crew of this submarine and then is like “I’m missing happy hour for this” and punches the submarine. At this point, the film had my full attention. I was in it and sucking on my hot dog.
You come to find out that Aquaman thinks he’s a regular dude, but he’s actually half man, half sea god and has insane powers like swimming great and being able to control water. One day, when he’s boozing at a bar and taking selfies with bikers, Mera, the gorgeous red headed sea human, played by Amber Heard, comes to ask for help defeating Orm (Patrick Wilson), Aquaman’s half-brother who is a total dick and wants to take over the sea and kill all the humans.
Reluctantly, Aquaman follows Mera underwater and it is fucking sick. There’s huge sea turtles with glitter on them and men riding sharks like they’re horses and an octopus that plays the bongos. It was the perfect time to take a hit, except I didn’t want to miss a second of this underwater paradise, so I ripped my vape in my seat, and I ripped it so hard I coughed for 30 seconds and pissed off all the people in the theatre.
At this point, Aquaman and Mera are starting to feel the horns for each other as they hang out inside a whale’s mouth while a version of Toto’s Africa plays (the movie’s soundtrack is absolutely perfect, by the way). The couple embarks on a journey to find some sort of scroll from an old king. I honestly kind of got lost at this point, but they somehow end up roaming charming outdoor markets in Italy. To be honest, I just wanted to go back to the cool underwater world cause that shit was exciting. I wish they’d make a movie about underwater beings doing regular, mundane shit like going to the underwater CVS and getting oil changes on their sharks and shit.
It was now time for Aquaman to dethrone his evil step brother and prove that he is true leader of the ocean. The one true king will do so by trying to remove a trident from some rock. Kind of like the sword in the stone in that Disney movie. The problem is, the trident is being guarded by a huge underwater sea lizard that has a really sexy and feminine voice who looks evil but ends up just needing someone to talk to. Aquaman smooth talks her for a while and she gets the horns for him and lets him have the trident.
NOW JASON MOMOA REAPPEARS AND HE IS FULL BLOWN AQUAMAN, WEARING A GOLDEN SUIT OF FISH SCALE ARMOR AND RIDING A MOTHERFUCKING HUGE SEAHORSE. I was so shook to see him in all his glory that I dropped my purse on the ground scattering all my belongings everywhere. Then there’s a long battle that was way too loud and the movie ends with Aquaman defeating his evil brother Orn and becoming the new King of the sea.
I walked out of this movie with a huge smile on my face, and I’m proud to admit that Aquaman is officially my favorite DC character. I’ve read a few reviews that said this movie was way too long and I have the opposite feeling about it: I could have watched another 45 minutes of Jason Momoa’s wet pecks. I’d say Aquaman is like if Avatar and The Meg were combined and on Viagra. I would def watch this film again. Aquaman was more than a moviegoing experience: it was a visit to Sea World except all the whales have abs and the dolphins are wearing thongs.
