Let’s face it, we all were stoned during this past weekend’s Oscars. There’s no sense in hiding it. It’s the only way anyone can get through three hours of multi-millionaires talking about how they faked being another person for more money than some third world country’s entire GDP. Hollywood is filled with an elite few, and none more so than five-time Academy Award nominee, Leonardo DiCaprio.
We know that Leonardo DiCaprio is an avid pothead, so much in fact that he doesn’t even share his vape pen with Miley Cyrus. DiCaprio is also rumored to play Atari founder Nolan Bushnell, which undoubtedly makes him the perfect stoned gamer. This is where I would wedge in a clever segue to tell you guys that a 16-bit game based on Leonardo DiCaprio chasing an Academy Award has been made. However, transitional statements in articles are just so played out. So instead, here is ten hours of Keyboard Cat playing the keyboard -- and don’t even act like you don’t have ten hours to watch every last second of it. If time were money, every stoner in this country would be a millionaire.
Leo’s Red Carpet Rampage was designed by developers that had entirely too much time on their hands. The gameplay mechanics are flawlessly aligned to the old-school Super Nintendo side-scrollers that took over the industry in the mid 90s. London-based Electric Theatre is the studio that manifested this 16-bit browser-based game in such a damn beautiful fashion that it should bring tears to your eyes.
In the game, you play as a desperate Leonardo DiCaprio voraciously doing whatever it takes to grab an Academy Award. The buttons are relatively simple, G and H pressed in sequence will make Leo run down the red carpet. Jumping is integral, and it can be done with the space bar -- a button that has never really been discussed in depth for sheer fear of insulting it. There’s no reason the space bar should be that big. Just look at that thing on your keyboard -- it’s absolutely ridiculous. It’s the size of five regular buttons, and it just hangs at the bottom of the keyboard like your aunt’s benign tumor. The most common letter is E, yet it’s half the size of the CAPS LOCK, a button that you only push when you want to show the world how angry you are, or ruin an episode of The Bachelor for your friend that’s waiting to see it the next day on Hulu.
Throughout Leo’s Red Carpet Rampage, you will complete minigames that require a lot of rapid and monotonous movements, so we advise medicating with a indica-heavy hybrid. It will make you feel less of a jerk when you groan at running into Lady Gaga while dashing on the red carpet.
Overall the game is perfect for blasting through those irrelevant moments in your work day. The action is addictive, similar to your life-long addiction of passing a finished joint to your friend when you already know it’s impossible to hit it. All you will need is a browser to play, along with the same rudimentary hand/eye coordination of a 4th grader.
Now, stop seeing who liked your recent IG photo and go play Leo’s Red Carpet Rampage, stoned gamers.