Dear Mother,

I'm in a fairly new relationship with a pretty great guy. The only issue is that he doesn't know I smoke pot. I'm a daily user, but since we've only been going out for a few weeks, it hasn't really come up. I'm not 100% sure how he would react, but he has said some offhand, negative comments about "stoners" that make me feel nervous about telling him about my own use. What do you think I should do?

— Secret Stoner Looking for Love


Hey Girlfriend,

I feel you. Relationships are HARD. There will always be little things that come up between any couple that might be tricky to navigate. And, with something like cannabis, you might not know how your significant other might respond to it.

I think there are a couple things to consider here.

One: Can you be with someone who doesn't smoke marijuana? Many people are able to, but it's definitely something to consider. Even if he says he's down with you smoking, will the fact that only one of you smokes cause an issue in your relationship? Is that something you'd be willing to work on if everything else is going well?

Two: What would happen if you told this guy and he totally flips out, is judgemental, and demands you stop smoking? Would you do that?

I'm not one to tell folks what to do when it comes to love, but I will say that I would be hard pressed to be with someone who couldn't accept me for who I am, lingering pot smoke, mellow attitude, and all.

Before you talk to him, ask yourself these hard questions, as his answers may land you in either of these scenarios. Who knows, maybe his random quips about cannabis users were a test to feel you out on the subject, and you just might be two secret stoners on the path to love. Or, he actually does have real, negative feelings towards folks who smoke. If the latter is the case, you're going to have to figure out how much you're willing to compromise to stay with this dude.

Many of us are able to have relationships with folks, even if we have some major differences. I know a couple where one partner is a long time omnivore that eats bloody steaks with a passion, while the other is a staunch vegan. And yet, they've found a way to make it work.

If your new dude is in fact anti-cannabis for some reason, who knows? Maybe you'll be the one to change his mind. Perhaps he got some drug propaganda education back in the day that's stuck with him. Maybe he had one really bad experience with marijuana once that has colored his opinion ever since. I'm not saying he's automatically going to be your new bong buddy as well as your boyfriend, but you won't know unless you actually ask him!

What I'm saying is that not all hope is lost. If everything else about this guy is golden, wait until you hear his reaction and go from there. He might surprise you with his openness and understanding. Or, if he reacts poorly, you'll know right away that he actually isn't the one for you, saving you from days, weeks, months, or even years of heartache.

— Mother