Tonight is Krampusnacht, the most wonderful Christmas holiday brought to us by Austro-Bavarian Alpine folklore. In fact, it’s the only holiday brought to us by Austro-Bavarian Alpine folklore! If you don’t know what Krampus is, start here and bemuse yourself with the details of Santa’s evil whip-toting sidekick who likes to lick naughty children with his 12-inch tongue and carry them off in his sack.
Sometime shown with one human foot and one cloven hoof, Krampus also carries bundles of birch to swat at children, rusty chains to rattle and symbolize his servitude to Satan, and coal to put in less naughty kids’ shoes. Once the children are taken, they are either eaten by Krampus or drowned in icy rivers. Most important, Krampus carries a cowbell, and like we tell all people around the holidays, you gotta have more cowbell.
We’re not sure which stoner from the pre-Christian Alpine era came up with Krampus, but we’re glad it’s here today. What other reason would we have to terrorize children and ourselves for one glorious nacht? According to legend, Krampusnacht (the night when Krampus comes to town) occurs on Dec. 5. Here are some ways to have a 420-friendly Krampusnacht. (Dare I say, Krannabis-nacht?)
Don you now your gay apparel.
Your favorite comfy Krampus sweater lets it be known you’re about some devilment. These ones from Middle of Beyond are dope.
Smoke some Diablo OG.
Since Krampus is an OG Diablo (pre-15th century), it’s only appropriate to smoke Diablo OG. Unlike the Krampus, it is mostly euphoric.
Brandish branches for a good whipping.
These birch branches are $18.99 on Amazon, and they’re a lot longer than weed stems. Perfect bounce for creating a nice whip.
Watch Krampus.
Over the years, there have been several Krampus movies—some quite awful. This 2015 Christmas comedy-horror offering stars Adam Scott and Toni Collette and is as close as you’ll come to a Krampus classic.
Become one with the devil in a Krampus Mask.
For $29.99 on Amazon, you can get this mask, which one reviewer called “a delight to wear,” and another called “like Satan, manifest.”
Put chocolate edibles in your friends’ shoes.
At the beginning of the party, have everyone keep their shoes outside. When everyone has passed out while watching Krampus, sneak outside and put these edibles in their shoes. That is, if you feel they’ve been good enough. These Sea Salt Caramel Bon Bons from Altai should do.
Show off that scary-long tongue of yours while drinking medicated eggnog.
You need: ⅓ cup of melted canna-butter and 3 quarts of eggnog. To make, simply melt the cannabutter and mix it with the eggnog. DONE! Then simply show off your extra-long tongue while slurping this down. It’s in the spirit of Krampus—especially if it unsettles your guests.
