The Greatest Moments in the History of Black Friday F*ckery
We got it for cheap.
Published on November 24, 2016

If you couldn’t tell by your overwhelmed inbox filled with approaching “deals,” Black Friday is upon us. It’s the holiday that reminds us that, much like the Roman gladiators, the spectacle of human violence is alive and well.

We have FDR to thank for the capitalist monstrosity that has become somewhat of an American tradition; the President moved Thanksgiving up by a week in 1939, so that shoppers could take advantage of the Christmas sales. In recent years, Black Friday has felt more gray. Shopping has substantially shifted to the Internet, and deals show up as early as two weeks before the actual day. Hopefully, this means that this year, there will be less incidents involving consumer-on-consumer violence, tramplings, and deaths (there have been nine recorded since 2006).

Although these disgusting shows of human greed are no laughing matter, there’s something incredibly fascinating about this kind of sheer desperation manifesting itself IRL. And besides, there are $100 LCD TVs to be bought! Here are the *greatest* moments in the history of BF fuckery. May they either get you hyped AF to do battle for deals or convince you to just hide and get high during the day that may have inspired The Purge.

In 2014, a man took a woman down over a TV at Target.

This battle for a TV at Walmart ended in handcuffs….

It always seems to go south over TVs. This is from a Walmart in El Paso, Texas.

Some strategies, like taking a shortcut through a refrigerated case are unwise. (At Walmart last year).

At this Louisville mall last year, a new Black Friday deal appeared: This guy’s shirt was 40 percent off!

The eerie quiet of this Walmart employee vs. customer is deafening.

I wish they were fighting over computers….

This Target manager’s rousing, calm-before-the-storm Thanksgiving pep talk is both inspiring and terrifying.

This is from a Black Friday sale in the UK at a Tesco. (Yes, they now partake in this across the pond, too). Buttcracks ahead.

Back in 2011, this Urban Outfitters in Thousand Oaks, Calif., experienced a stampede. Luckily nobody was hurt, because beanies and ironic T-shirts are definitely not worth it.

We’re not sure where this GIF is from, but it can only be supported by this Redditor’s story of his time working in retail: “Back in my poor college days when I worked at Walmart, we had a fight break out over a bike. Fists were thrown and there was some blood. Eventually, one guy got ahold of it and managed to get away from the crowd. He rode the bike out of the store to flee his pursuers (without paying).”

Unidentified Walmart. 2013. While being trampled, make sure to put on your hat. (Starts at 00:06.)

Best Buy’s just great, isn’t it? In 2011, these shoppers narrowly escaped getting crushed by a metal door.

Stay safe this Black Friday. Don’t let this be you.

Claire Downs
Claire Downs is a writer and comedian based out of Los Angeles. She's written for Nickelodeon, VH1, Funny or Die, and Hello Giggles. You can follow her on Twitter @clairecdowns. She prefers Indica to Sativa, in case you're wondering.
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