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Some Of My Best Friends Are High with Chris Nieratko

A new column that will make you laugh whether you're stoned or not.

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Chris hasn’t smoked weed in 20 years but explains, “Some of my best friends are high. But remembering what it felt like to be stoned is easy… it’s just like fucking a bicycle.”

In this new regular column we present to you Chris and his stoned friends’ comedic take on the cannabis lifestyle.


The pot has superpowers. We all know it can simultaneously allow your mind’s eye to know the secret to curing cancer while having you try and push your refrigerator door open. Over the next few months I’ll be creating some How To lists for simple life tasks so that you can have your brain focus on more important things, like weed from outer space.


1. Get High.

2. Make a shopping list. (Tip: Try to remember you're going to a grocery store and they don't stock bongs, Ghostface Killah CDs, porn, or water skis.)

3. Warm up your car. If you're not driving do jumping jacks to get your legs warmed up.

4. Get a little higher

5. Look in the mirror. It doesn't matter what you look like but have the person in the mirror explain the mission to you so everyone is on the same page. WE ARE GOING GROCERY SHOPPING. BUYING FOOD IS OUR ONLY OBJECTIVE.

6. Grab the basketball.

7. Light a joint and either get in the car and drive or start walking towards the grocery store.

8. Pass by the park to see if anyone is shooting around.

9. If there's anyone shooting around keep walking. You don’t want them to know you’re high. If no one is there work on your jump shot. Your jump shot sucks.

10. Step 9 probably killed your high so you should go home, get some electrolytes in you and start from step 1 again.