With the inaugural holiday of the winter season upon us, you're probably already feeling the stress unnecessarily surrounding what is, in essence, a simple family meal. Whether it's your mom rattling around the kitchen comprising lists of root vegetables for you to spend the next 24 hours of your life dicing, your grandma enlisting your help in formulating the mystery cocktail of old stuff in her fridge she calls "Jello Jewels," or an already-drunk uncle loudly referring to Kellyanne Conway as "the hot one," it's easy to consider tapping out altogether and spending the break getting high in the woods alone.
But, as always, cannabis is here to help turn something that could suck into something enjoyable. Stress aside, Thanksgiving is the ultimate stoner holiday! There's copious amounts of rich food, family you haven't seen in forever (some of whom are bound to be cool), dogs to feed, parades to watch, and an overarching feeling of coziness. Also, don't forget Christmas is coming, and the better you behave tomorrow, the better your haul come December.
To ensure your Thanksgiving holiday goes smoothly, here are some canna-products to chill out your mom, shut up your uncle, and generally subdue everyone attending the event. Maybe, for once, you'll be able to simply enjoy each other's company.
For Frantic Parent: Breez Mints
There's nothing worse than those fateful years when the familial celebration occurs at your parent's house, especially if your family is like mine: huge, loud, and chock-full of new age dietary restrictions. Gluten-free demands, convenient vegetarians who for some reason eat meat every day but Thanksgiving, older family members with their sights stuck on preserving tradition, come Macy's Day Parade, the kitchen has devolved into panic.
Breez Mints can chill just about anyone the fuck out. While most edibles hit you hard for the first hour — too hard — then trail off into a confused and extremely sleepy vortex, Breez Mints are formulated to dose little bits of THC for the duration of the trip. While they are available in up to 20mg THC per mint (a bit high for the everyday parent), I would suggest the 5mg THC x 5mg CBD option to keep mom or dad cool, calm, and screaming-match-free.
Visit Breez Mints' website for more on their delectable products
For Overly-inquisitive Grandparent: Apple Pie CBD Tea
While it's totally understandable for your grandparents to want to know about your life, social media has complicated things a bit, as suddenly, without warning, they may gain access to photos of an intoxicated romp through Mexico a friend tagged you in on Facebook, or — god forbid — figure out how watch your Instagram stories. Is that man you were kissing your boyfriend? My that was a short skirt. You know, you really should try to quit smoking…. Sigh.
As no one wants grandma fucked up on Thanksgiving, Apple Pie CBD Tea is the perfect medium, calming her into submission without making her trip out, something that could easily spiral into a terrifying and uncharted territory of awkwardness. Green tea leaves, dried apple, and CBD hemp oil blend in this lovely elixir to calm her nerves without making her sleepy. Simply scoop the tea into an infuser, pour some hot water, and relax as those sticky questions surrounding your young adult life fade into the distance.
Are you over 18?
Visit CBD Infused Tea's website for more on their seasonally-appropriate Apple Pie drink
For Your Trump-Supporting Uncle: Korova 1000mg Black Bar Brownie
Whether he's an uncle, in-law, cousin, or any kind person who felt the need to pursue a life of low-level authoritative enforcement, lots of families will have a Trump supporter at their table this year who drunkenly feels the need to subject the rest of us to their racist and unfounded beliefs (facts, as they call them). To deal with a person like this, it's best to just put them down for the night, all the way down, completely asleep with no chance of waking up to annoy the shit out of you in the near future.
Enter Korova's 1000mg Black Bar Brownie. This extremely high dose brownie packs enough punch to take any bigot out of the equation for the night, and possibly a good portion of the next morning, especially if they've already enjoyed half a handle of Wild Turkey. Though Merry Jane doesn't condone drugging people, I personally condone drugging Trump supporters, (wouldn't the world be a better place if Trump ate mushrooms even just once?) so just switch their regular post-dinner dessert with this bad boy and watch as the party becomes lighter and more tolerant in a matter of minutes.
Visit Korova's website for more on their high-intensity canna-products
For Your Favorite Pet: Vet CBD
Last and far from least, it's important to make sure our four-legged friends have as much fun this Thanksgiving as everyone else now will. Don't forget, this holiday can be a stressful time for pets, too. How much turkey will I get? Will any of my dog friends show up? What if I blow it and get locked in the garage during dinner? What is that green leafy stuff the kids keep trying to feed me? Remember, dogs' lives are boring. This is one hell of an occasion to rectify that.
Are you over 18?
To make sure your dog doesn't become overzealous and get sequestered to watching the celebration go down from outside a pane of glass, hit them with a drop of Vet CBD. This amazing, pet-formulated CBD product helps dogs (or cats) with everything from being hyper and annoying to pain management. Whatever ails your pup this holiday, make sure they spend it where they belong — under the table, munching on whatever parts of the dinner you like the least.
Visit Vet CBD's website for more of their pet-friendly products
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