Valentine’s Day—that ugly marketing trap turned mandatory gift-giving event—is almost here again. Those of us in committed relationships have to brainstorm the perfectly thoughtful present that’s going to make our sweethearts swoon. Though “it’s the thought that counts,” good intentions won’t save you if your Valentine’s Day present sucks and weed is the only thing making hearts race. Here are some awful Valday prezzies that will ensure you’re single by summer.