NEWS
Man Allegedly Shoplifts Penis Enhancement Pills and CBD-Infused Gloves
Of all the things to steal, why did he steal these two things? Let’s hazard a guess….
Published on September 20, 2019

Police in Pennsylvania are currently looking for a suspect who allegedly stole penis enlarging pills and a pair of gloves infused with CBD.

According to a local Fox News affiliate, Lancaster County Police said the man entered a CVS drug store Thursday evening and shoplifted the two items, with a total value of $50. 

Okay, first off: What in hell are CBD-infused gloves? CBD is literally in everything from hair pomades to CBD sports bras to perfumes, but its efficacy in these products, especially the ones that don’t contain THC, has not been conclusively verified. The police announcement didn’t clarify what kinds of CBD gloves got stolen, either, but we’ve got an idea.

There’s a CBD-infused glove product marketed for manicures. CBD may help the skin repair itself, and these gloves are supposed to moisturize the hands while a manicurist works their magic on the nails. (Whether they actually work as intended is another issue altogether….)

Gallery — Ecstasy Pills That Mimic Famous Brands:

As for the “penis enhancement pills,” unless they’re Viagra, they’re probably some bogus herbs-and-vitamins capsules that are more likely to give you gas than a big dick

So, there we have it: The alleged shoplifter stole pills to get his Lil’ Timmy turgid and CBD-infused gloves to revitalize his palms. Either he’s intending to surprise a date with his immaculately maintained man-handlers, or he’s planning a self-care weekend at his apartment — watching PornHub.

We’ll bet an eighth on the latter.

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Randy Robinson
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Based in Denver, Randy studied cannabinoid science while getting a degree in molecular biology at the University of Colorado. When not writing about cannabis, science, politics, or LGBT issues, they can be found exploring nature somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. Catch Randy on Twitter and Instagram @randieseljay
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