A new program is expanding the reach of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency to include scoutmasters. The DEA’s new Red Ribbon Week Patch Program will give our country’s unnecessarily gendered wilderness groups a stitched (or ironed) on incentive for staying drug free.
According to the Agency’s official website, the badge will be given out to any scout that successfully completes the DEA’s annual anti-drug Red Ribbon Week. But it’s not like Agent Jones and Smith will be taking time off from their busy schedule of spending taxpayer dollars eradicating weed farms, instead each scout group will be responsible for coordinating their own anti-drug event, with each member taking the DEA’s Drug Free Pledge.
The Girl Scouts of America have made their anti-drug policy staunchly clear, even taking Bay Area dispensaries to court for selling the hybrid strain named after the group’s famous cookies. But while pot shops and growers have had to change the strain name to simply GSC or Cookies, America’s girl scout’s have set up their cookie hawking card tables out front of as many marijuana dispensaries as they can find - after all, who loves overpriced Thin Mints more than someone with a newly purchased bag of pot?
The DEA will hand out 15,000 of their Red Ribbon Week badges in an effort to “strengthen scouts’ anti-drug beliefs.”
Of course, Red Ribbon Week isn’t until October, so scouts still have a few months to learn CPR, how to tie knots, or how America’s drug habit has been willfully fueled by the federal government. Y’know, scout stuff.