The Most Ridiculous Chain Restaurant Pizzas - Health | MERRY JANE
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The Most Ridiculous Chain Restaurant Pizzas

In some cases, it’s generous to even call them pizzas.

by Brenden Gallagher

by Brenden Gallagher

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

“Don’t mess with a good thing.”

“Don’t try to reinvent the wheel.”

These are all phrases we’ve heard time and time again, yet national restaurant chains insist on ignoring this tried and true advice. When it comes to pizza, as with desserts, restaurants try again and again to reinvent the standard crust-sauce-cheese combo, often with tragic results. Yes, sometimes experimentation works. Sometimes, you come up with stuffed crust. But most of the time, you don’t, and you wind up with things that only the least health-conscious people high out of their minds would order to satiate their munchies. Here are the most ridiculous pizzas ever sold at chain restaurants.
 

Hot Dog Stuffed Crust

Sold at: Domino’s, Pizza Hut

Hot dogs and pizza are the two go-to foods for desperate stepdads. But often they go together like you and your stepdad. Sure, pigs in a blanket are a nice change of pace, but we definitely do not need pigs in a blanket, smothered with cheese, and covered in marinara sauce.
 

Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust

Sold at: Pizza Hut

No one asked for this. No one wants this. And yes, I’ll try it, but only if I get high enough.
 

Specialty Chicken

Sold at: Domino’s

In 2014, Domino’s took some terrible kind of inspiration from the KFC Double Down and began offering pizza with chicken as the base instead of crust. It came in the flavors Crispy Bacon & Tomato, Spicy Jalapeño-Pineapple, Classic Hot Buffalo, and Sweet BBQ Bacon, and the motto was “Failure is an option.” The best thing you can say about it is it lived up to its motto.
 

Doritos Crunchy Crust

Sold at: Pizza Hut Australia

Though Doritos has already gotten its mitts on Taco Bell, American Pizza Hut has withstood the temptation to dust their ’zas in orange chip powder. Here’s hoping this monstrosity never makes it stateside, but if you’re a glutton for punishment, check this out the next time you’re Down Under.
 

Cock-A-Doodle Bacon

Sold at: Pizza Hut

In 2015, Pizza Hut had a short-lived, poorly executed scheme to compete with artisan pizza styles cropping up at bistros around the U.S. One of its worst attempts was the Cock-a-Doodle Bacon pizza, which offered the option of bacon-stuffed crust. Contrary to popular belief on the Internet, there is such a thing as too much bacon.
 

Cheeseburger Stuffed Crust

Sold at: Pizza Hut UK

Though we have been deemed worthy of hot dog ’za in the U.S., apparently only our former colonizers are worthy of having some sliders shoved into their pizza crusts. Good thing we split from them.
 

Priazzo

Sold at: Pizza Hut

The ’80s were a wild time: Perms, shoulder pads, and mountains of cocaine were all very much in. Even in those times, the Priazzo was a Pria-NO. This short-lived Pizza Hut creation (1985–1985, R.I.P.) was basically a pizza with a ton of meat shoved inside of it. Shockingly, it didn’t take.
 

Bread Bowl Pasta

Sold at: Domino’s

Compromise is sometimes the worst choice. This combination of pizza and pasta pleased no one, and disappointed late-night eaters across the country.
 

Pizza

Sold at: McDonald’s

Sometimes, the ridiculous thing isn’t the product, but who sells it. In the late ’80s, McDonald’s attempted to muscle in on the pizza game dominated by Pizza Hut and Domino’s. The results were catastrophic. With long wait times, a substandard product, and restaurants that weren’t built to serve pizza, McDonald’s cheesy experiment was an epic failure.


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Brenden Gallagher

Brenden Gallagher works in television and writing in Los Angeles. He worked on Revenge, Heartbeat, and Famous in Love. His writing has appeared at Complex, VH1, and MERRY JANE. Follow him on Twitter @muddycreekU



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