Just like the term 'bitch,' the term 'stoner' has been abused. I am so glad our term of affection, endearment and empowerment is back in its rightful place. Bitch is our word to use as we choose. If only we could do the same thing with the term stoner. I, for one, am not a tree-hugging tie-dyed shirt wearing uneducated loafing no prospects layabout who doesn't have two brain cells to rub together. And I am sick of being stereotyped. We need to change the meaning of the term. So get ready to get on your own nerves, bitches. Here are my fave five ways to reclaim the stoner label.
1. Make it Condescending. Remember the mean girl—look down her nose at you half laugh in throat soundless snort of disdain—from high school? Combine that with an intelligent sounding fact about cannabis. “OMG (throat laugh snort look of disdain) did you really not know that they can separate out the cannaboids from the THC these days so no-one actually has to get “stoned?” (total air quotes patronizing smile moment). “You're adorable. What sweetie? Oh what's a cannaboid? You are too much really just too much!” Walk away laughing like they told a joke.
2. Make it Zealous. All praise the mighty leaf! Hear stoner and agree so they know you have been born again in marijuana. Hear 'stoner' interpret as animal lover, gay rights activist, old school rap fan, bedazzler addict, whatever is your thing and make it believable. For me, I pretend they asked me if I like The Doors. “Why yes I am a follower! [since I was a kid] I just have to testify to you [I think Jim Morrison is a god]. I'm compelled by the leaf [I'm a bit of a fanatic]. Have you heard the good news? [have you heard Riders on the Storm?] The cure for cancer is coming! [weed rocks just like Morrison you moron]. You know, or something like that.
3. Make it ironic. The next time you are in Whole Foods and enduring the stares of the yuppies and hipsters because of your leaf motif attire, do not worry. These guys are easy. “Erm, like I'm wearing this t-shirt ironically to illustrate the absurdity of the stereotypes regarding marijuana. I feel they are an outdated injustice and someone needs to speak up and speak out so, yeah man, “stoner” (pretentious air quotes). I'm like just trying to do my part, give a voice to the people in these trying mass consumerist times.” This can result in head nodding, handshakes and my fave, that look like 'is she fucking with me?' Yes, yes I am.
4. Make it sustainable. Weed is the super plant so depending on your audience you can focus on the grow. Hear stoner read urban homesteader and react as such. “Oh you're a stoner? Oh awesome me too! You must be psychic. Great minds and all that. How big is your grow? What nutrient film do you prefer? Have you thought about aquaponics? Are you certified organic?”
5. Make it a badge of honor. If you partake in the earth's best medicine you are probably in good health, of calm disposition and enjoy an educated, creative open mind. You probably follow federal hearings, can explain chemical reactions, the uses of hemp and how cannabis treats disease. You know the economic solution to our nation's problems grows indoors under bright lights making it accessible and sustainable. Why not be proud to be an informed, if stoned, human being? Have at it I say. Next time someone yells “stoner” at you across a busy street, you yell back :“Right on brother! You too! 2016! This is our year!”
Stand tall in solidarity fellow stoners and remember: sticks and stones may break your bones but misconceptions and erroneous impressions regarding the socioeconomic and educational background of those that supposedly fit the term 'stoner,' will never hurt you.
Cos we got this stoner bitches, we got this.