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Some of My Best Friends are High with Chris Nieratko & Beau Roulette

Chris Nieratko hasn’t smoked weed in 20 years but explains, “Some of my best friends are high. But remembering what it felt like to be stoned is easy… it’s just like fucking a bicycle.”

by Chris Nieratko

by Chris Nieratko

In his new, regular column we present to you Chris and his stoned friends’ comedic take on the cannabis lifestyle. This week Chris catches up with his dear friend and esteemed photographer, Beau Roulette, to talk about the important issues facing our nation in this election year: getting girls naked, smoking out of your butthole, and stoned parenting.

Beau, would you say that pot is the gateway drug...that gets girls to take off their clothes and pose in various states of undress?

Ha ha! That old rhetoric. I do not believe it is a gateway drug to other drugs NOR do I believe it is a gateway drug for getting people naked. Smoking weed usually leads to long conversations and an internal dialog sometimes too overwhelming to even contemplate taking your clothes off in front of strangers. I do however believe that some people whom take the pot on a regular basis may have less fear of what society will think of them if they’re found naked in the pages of the inter webs or some publication somewhere.

I believe the best formula for getting anyone naked is a calm comfortable environment, some good music and lack of pressure. Always discuss beforehand if you want to get someone naked for photos and if everyone is comfortable and understanding of the situation at hand then a little weed never hurt.  

What the hell is the deal with your daily Periscope show? You let 25,000 people watch you get high each morning before you even have a cup of coffee?? What's wrong with you? I don't even want to look at myself until the third cup.

There are no shows for the early riser that have a cannabis-based theme to them, and I needed something to help me wake up and get my brain going every morning. And I love a great OCD project. What better way to do all those then to wake and bake with thousands of stoners, moms and horny (of age) teenagers across the globe every morning on the internet? I have been going at it for about 270 days, and I am planning on doing it for the full 366 (fucking leap year). Every day same time (8am PST), occasionally different places. I have girls on in their underwear, some artists, musicians, friends, solo sometimes; its been fun. I wish I could figure out a way to keep doing it and make a few bucks… Periscope is still so new to some people and being a "progressive" show the weed use really still scares a lot of brands. I’m just waiting for Marriott to ask me to do it from all their new weed-friendly hotels across the globe or the feds to declassify it. Almost there.

You may be one of the stoniest friends I have. How does that title make you feel? Chris's Stoniest Friend? Are you going to use that on your resume or headstone?

I’m very happy to be your stoniest friend. I find it hard to believe. I hope I am helping change the stigma of the lazy, slow, fat stoner that the media has led us all to love over the years. I hope we can find a new role model or mascot or whatever for the next century of pot smoking. Let’s bring back the Bong Olympics

I’m sure by your standards you're not nearly as stoney as your friends. Tell me a good stoner story from one of your stoniest friends?

My best friend has kids and was visiting me with this family. He thought he would eat one of my edibles before we went on this family bike ride. He rarely ever smokes weed anymore; I'm sure he hasn't eaten it in a while either. He was dragging ass the whole ride with his kid on one of those crazy back bike things that looks super sketchy. He kept asking his daughter the whole ride, "Are you still there? is everything alright?" We make it to the lake our destination and my buddy is looking green in the skin and his lips were stuck to the top of his teeth, kind of like when your grandma just puts her dentures in. He asks his daughter again if she’s ok and this 5-year-old responds, "Dad! Yes, for the hundredth time I'm fine! But what the FUCK is wrong with you???" Be careful with edibles parents.   

You were all giddy the other day wen you told me medical marijuana is now legal in Australia. Do you think the bong water bubbles in the opposite direction there?

I hope so. Does that mean that when a girl deep throats you it twists the other way too? I think a lot of places that believed the USA propaganda machine back then will flip the laws when they see the tourist trade and income possibilities, the worst thing about every festival or every tourist spot has to be the lack of control people have on alcohol. I can't imagine places wouldn't welcome more income and less violence.

You also had a major boner over concentrates lately. I don't know anything about concentrates other than orange juice from concentrate sucks.

It’s a cleaner, safer way to medicate; it’s like juicing. I only use the most beneficial part of the plant, less combustion, less heat, less unnecessary plant matter, just clean THC, in super high percentages. It makes for a very hand crafted, custom smoking experience. 

In all the years of shooting nudes how many times has a model smoked a joint from her buttonhole on your set?

Three times. Once a joint, once a fancy backwoods blunt shaped like a dick and one girl always asks me to blow my hits in her ass, let me tell you…the best smelling farts. 

Do you imagine you get higher, quicker that way? Like when blowing cocaine up your butthole? I mean...not mine. A friend's.

Yes, actually Foria, a personal lubricant for women has been or is developing a suppository for men. Basically you shove this weed pill up your asshole and it gets your prostate high as fuck and gives you a raging hard on. I have had a few girls tell me that the lube definitely works on their vaginas so the new science should be interesting. The future of being a stoner is looking fucking amazing. 

More of Beau's work:

Photos: Beau Roulette


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Chris Nieratko

Chris Nieratko is a comedy writer from New Jersey who is best known for his work in the legendary Larry Flynt skateboarding magazine, Big Brother. Chris is so committed to a joke (or self-absorbed) that he married a woman named Chris and named all of his children Chris on some George Foreman shit.



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