I must apologize. I am simply not the type of person who is meant to make her own cannabis lube. I eat nachos from Seamless on my couch rather than cooking dinner. I don't own a dining table. I recently bought snake plants because GQ included them in an article about houseplants that even a serial killer can't kill. Mine are already dead.
Since companies like Velvet Swing and Foria hit the market, horny stoners in non-legal states have wondered, "Can I make my own weed lube?" Foria's original pleasure spray is made with cannabis-infused coconut oil. It's not technically a weed "lube," as it's meant to be spritzed on an orifice to increase sensation rather than slathered on to aid in penetration like a lubricant. Anything oil-based is also not latex friendly, so unless you're in a monogamous relationship in which all partners are tested, avoid using such products when condoms are needed. Velvet Swing, however, is latex friendly, and I have heard nothing but positive things about the company's true weed lube. I enjoy all of Foria's products, too. The latter's latex-friendly anal suppositories made it easier to get a giant dildo in my butt, their vaginal suppositories eased my period cramps, and along with increasing orgasm, their pleasure spray allowed me to turn my vagina into an edible. But when I learned about LEVO oil-infuser, a handy-dandy machine that lets you infuse oil at home, I was stoked to create my own batch of sexy stoner coconut oil. As it turns out, I'm too messy for this shit — not LEVO's fault, but a cautionary tale nonetheless.
LEVO is a cute little kitchen unit that comes in colors from rose gold to avocado and looks like an espresso machine. It's not just for making weed lube. You can use it to infuse basically any oil with an herb, so if you want garlic-infused olive oil to dip bread in, or lavender-infused coconut oil for massages, this is the device for you. It comes with easy installation instructions, you basically just fill a basket with oil, a pod with herb, and use their instructions to learn the temperature and time your concoction requires to brew. For "flower" and coconut oil, they advise infusing at 160 to 175 degrees for at least two and half hours. Their instruction manual says to use an eighth of an ounce for every 16 ounces of oil, so that's what I did.
There are a lot of stigmas surrounding stoners, and I am about to perpetuate those. Some potheads not only get high, but are genius scientists who grow their own perfect marijuana. Others are capable of concocting the most beautiful baked edibles. As someone who can't even keep a snake plant alive, and has given up baking because I burn store-bought cookie dough, I am not the right person to be tasked with making her own weed lube. Again, my area of expertise lies in getting stoned then eating my nachos that someone else cooked for me while watching Netflix and then masturbating until I fall asleep. But I digress...
I was not stoned when I assembled my beautiful LEVO unit, but that shouldn't affect your success. Their instructions are clear and anyone who can use a crockpot can use a LEVO. I used cannabis that was grown outdoors and given to me by a family member who will remain anonymous. As directed, I ground up the weed into teeny tiny pieces and placed it in the pod. I used a jar of coconut oil I had from Whole Foods to be its companion. Then, I set the timer and the temperature, and like a 420-friendly future space machine, the thing started infusing as the two married. It should dispense with the press of a button, but I accidentally ripped out the plastic dispenser tube when putting it together, and didn't place it back correctly. As a result, mine leaked as it brewed. It took me a minute to notice this, and I hadn't placed a receptacle to catch it, so my cannabis lube spilled all over my kitchen table. This is my fault.
They company clearly states in setup step number nine: "Make sure your vessel of choice (we recommend a standard mason jar or recycled jar of a similar size) is placed over the debossed circle on the tray." When I saw my weed lube dispensing as it infused, I ran over and placed a measuring cup to catch it. There was weed lube everywhere, and I didn't want my cats to eat it, so I licked it all up like I was a cat. Then, I worried about getting too high, so I rubbed the rest on and inside my pussy. But then I started to get stoned and realized that my relative's weed was inside my vagina and that made me feel funny, so some paranoia set it. My plan was to masturbate and write about it, but instead, I went to sleep.
When my cannabis coconut oil was finished infusing, I had a nice jar of weed lube that's currently sitting in my fridge. It's a massive amount compared to what you can buy from a typical weed lube company, and all you need is a dealer/florist (or generous relative) and a jar of oil. Not only can you make your own weed pleasure spray, but much more of it. The infuser works; the coconut oil got me stoned when eaten and made my orifices feel very lovely despite the aforementioned incestuous concerns. LEVO costs $199.99, and of course you have to buy your own flowers. I currently have 16 ounces of cannabis-infused coconut oil in my fridge that made my vagina feel as just as nice as most infused lube products on the market. For example, Foria costs $48 for 30ml of their spray. There's no question that LEVO will save you money in the long-run if you're a topical enthusiast, but the vibe is a lot different. I was less stoned off my LEVO oil than when I licked two 5mg sprays of Foria off my nipples, but I also fucked up the process by putting it together wrong.
Thankfully, I was sharing my process on Instagram, and the attentive staff of LEVO, who follow me, noticed my leak and messaged me right away about how to correct the nozzle. The machine allows you to control your own dosage and ingredients, so if you're looking to cook a lavish pesto sauce with weed olive oil, this machine is for you. The large and homemade quality of my weed oil also works wonderfully as a topical for non-orgasmic purposes. I've since used it with great pleasure to give myself a shoulder rub, taking advantage of the anti-inflammatory properties of cannabis. I highly recommend their product (the holidays approach!) for anyone who is capable of keeping a snake plant alive or baking store-bought cookie dough without burning it.
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