The last of these columns before Election Day, and I allowed myself to think for a shining moment at the beginning of this week that I’d be able to start criticizing Hillary Clinton from the left a little prematurely—just to keep everyone (mostly myself) on their toes. But any chance of that went out the window when Hillary Clinton’s email scandal—not this one or this one but this one—performed the Halloween miracle of rising from the dead. Now, like everyone else seems to be, I’ll be talking about investigations.
First, the investigation already on everybody’s mind: Out of thin air this week, FBI Director James Comey revived the general hysteria over Clinton’s use of a private email server. Clinton—and the rest of the country, except those whose repertoire dwindles to “Trump That Bitch” and “Lock Her Up” after a few cans of proudly non-union Coors Light—had been under the impression that this scandal was behind her since July, when the same FBI director decided there had been no criminal wrongdoing. But the horse, though seemingly gone from this world, continues to be beaten. Why Comey chose the week before the election to drop this bombshell is anyone’s guess, but the Clinton administration certainly has its ideas. Regardless, every alt-right nutcase is suddenly Matlock on the case.
Meanwhile, other investigations are getting far less attention. Three in particular, all involving the Republican presidential candidate, must seem to an objective observer—if you can still find such a unicorn-rare creature—a bit worse than using a private email server. Since there certainly isn’t one on hand here in New York, I’ll have to ask for a bit of imagination.
Imagine two people you’ve never heard of before are trying to determine who is better fit to lead. One has risked the security of state secrets by using a process they mistakenly thought would be expeditious and safe. No criminal charges were filed and the process has since been changed. The other, before the year is out, will have to officially answer for charges of racketeering and child rape, plus face ongoing questions about the extent of their “compromising” cooperation with the Russian government for political gain. Bear in mind as you read that the standard for presidential impeachment is, most recently, an extramarital blowjob.
In order, then: Racketeering first. Federal District Court Judge Gonzalo Curiel, who, according to Trump, is simply a “hater” because of his Mexican heritage, has ruled that Donald Trump must face charges stemming from his business endeavor known as Trump University. Former “students” claim that Trump defrauded them of thousands of dollars by taking advantage of his name brand to make them believe they would be receiving a legitimate education.
Child rape second. Yes, that last group of words is correct. Yes, they are in reference to charges against a presidential candidate who promises he’ll make America “great again.” Setting aside the other 13 women who have stepped forward and accused Donald Trump of sexually assaulting them, Trump will also answer a June lawsuit that alleges the following: With notorious pederast and billionaire Jeffrey Epstein as procurer, he raped a 13-year-old girl in 1994. I could italicize most of the words after that colon without making the effect any more jarring or disgusting.
And for those who just need to talk about email, let me leave you with this. Mother Jones recently broke the story that a veteran spy had been hired early on in Trump’s candidacy to monitor him. The spy found that there was communication between Trump and the Kremlin, and that Trump had likely been “compromised,” had even likely been groomed to be a disruptive political force by Putin’s Russia. But yeah, it’s Hillary Clinton’s six-year-old emails that are a threat to the U.S.