Cannabis Products for Your Inner Baller (Whether You Can Afford to Ball or Not)
To ball or not to ball, that is the question: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mid to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous envy, or to blow your paycheck on this sick weed swag.
Published on August 11, 2017

There are few things in life more fun than balling the fuck out. A nice, thorough ball-out sesh can take the form of an extravagant meal, a shopping trip, or a vacation more than an hour away from your house––anything, really, that represents a nice fuck-you to the grinding and fiscal anguish that defines millennial life from Anchorage, Alaska to Zephyrhills, Florida. Regardless of where you fall on a scale of debt-ridden intern to underpaid professional, even feigning extravagance can be difficult when you don't make much money.

If you're like me, however, an unwarranted penchant for opulence dominates all spending habits. Weekly paychecks are known to irresponsibly allocate themselves in a single day. A "spa" grooming for your dog (she's worth it), the world's most expensive eighth (so beautiful), a boozy sushi dinner for friends (on you), and the impulsive purchases that come with a night out (well, it made sense to order the Uber Luxe at the time) can easily doom your foreseeable future to hunger, sobriety and boredom.

On the opposite end of this distinctly capitalist spectrum are the real ballers with actual money. From executives and moguls to trustafarians and sugar babies, they know how to spend it. As an aging Upper East Side heiress named Francis once told me at The Carlyle, "The purpose of money is to be comfortable, darling." Whatever hardships endured while broke are immediately obscured by the joy of blowing money when you finally have some. Let's be real, we all like nice things. Here are some products for those who like to ball, whether you have the money, or just pretend like you do.

Caviar Gold

Image via

The luxury of Caviar Gold cannabis is rivaled only by the decadence of its namesake. Take some top-quality indoor nugs, infuse them with hash oil from surface to stem, then cover it all in kief, and… voila! Even better, Caviar uses the same plant for each component of their product, allowing for a trusted, consistent high not often found in inferior infused flower imitations.

Back in 2007, Caviar founder Mike Bishop sold everything and moved to the then-freshly green Colorado to open a dispensary. The only catch was that Bishop couldn't quite find the quality of flower he was looking for. So, he learned how to extract and infuse, and Caviar Gold was born. With his product perfected, With designs on having all Caviar products available in legal states by the end of 2018, you can bet your bottom dollar that Mike Bishop is a baller worth emulating.

Dank Fung's Executive Vaporizer

Image via

At first glance, Dank Fung's Executive Vaporizer looks like one of those expensive calligraphy pens that only old people seem to own, but this 24-karat gold-plated piece packs a punch belied by its buttoned-down boardroom aesthetic. Three different temperature settings allow the coil-less, ceramic chamber to heat concentrate to the user's preference. Available in black gold, white gold, or rose gold, if the 24k doesn't sell you, perhaps the fur-lined box, titanium dabbing tool, and bragging rights will.

Breez Mints

Image via

It seems successful people rarely have bad breath, or if they do, they've got so much money that they can pay people not to call them out on it. Whether quelling your nerves on the way to a high-powered meeting, or hoping your boss won't smell the well whiskey you drank last night, Breez Mints are here to do the job that your paycheck won't. With doses in 5mg and 20mg THC, and natural terpene flavors like vanilla, cinnamon and peppermint, each mint allows you not only to control the minutia of your high by microdosing throughout the day, but also remain confident you'll never be the topic of gossip around the water cooler and/or a secret Slack room that you haven't been invited to.

VVS Disposable Pen

Image via

Unless you care deeply about gaudy jewelry or spend time running the infinite wheel of Instagram's popular page, you probably don't know who Ben Baller is. For those lucky enough to be spared this burdensome knowledge, Ben Baller is one of rap's premier jewelers, famous for his intricate custom chains and diamond-encrusted figures that are as weird as the new crop of SoundCloud rappers who don them.

A mogul in his own right, Baller's expanded into the realm of vape pens with his new company VVS. Following the stylish, disposable pen trend made popular by Beboe, artist Scott Campbell and fashion exec Clement Kwan's ultra chic new company, VVS offers a simple and cool way to consume cannabis on the go. Pens loaded with a gram of oil start at $40. Not bad, considering you'd own something from the same dude who was commissioned to make the most expensive gold chain in the world.

Lindsay MaHarry
Lindsay MaHarry is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in Vice, The Observer, Bullett, Gawker, Fanzine, and others. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
Share this article with your friends!