Lead image by Tyler Nacho
Between the narcissistic haze of adolescence and stunted attempts at adulthood, it can be easy to forget that your parents are just kids who had kids. While women tend to transform into mombots on a cellular level, dads not so much. Regardless of how wise or lame he’s become, he’s still that kid, wanting to party, thinking his record collection is the shit.
Flash back to 1989. A young dad is seen cruising in a Volvo hatchback with Ray Bans on, blasting Bruce Springsteen or what have you. Then boom! He receives a beeper alert that lets him know she’s pregnant. Time slows to a stop, a single hair falling from his coif like the last petal of a dying rose. Cut to 2019. Hypothetical dad is now completely bald, slightly rotund, and grappling with fears of inadequacy in the face of an ever-changing world. His only blessings: a 30-year-old daughter (howdy!) who exists in a perpetual state of needing forty dollars to cover an overdraft fee, and legal weed that comes in many forms.
Prior to the tidal wave of legal reform that’s forever softened the tenuous dynamic between parents and pot, the thought of giving a dad, or rather, my dad, a weed product for Father’s Day was simply preposterous. To him, weed was a drug, and according to him, drugs are corny. However, to my friend’s hippie dads who were known to pass a bong at Thanksgiving, weed was always a dope present, regardless of its legal status or the form it came in.
In today’s golden age of cannabis, legality has made it possible for all dads to enjoy the benefits of bud, whether their heyday was spent dosing brown acid in the Haight or hating the hippies who did. As such, we’ve compiled a list of our favorite Father’s Day canna-gift bangers, in ascending order from the least stoned to the most stoned dads.
For the Stressed Square Who’s None the Wiser: Apothecanna Relief Spray
For square dads who prefer to keep things sober, it can be hard to find a fitting cannabis gift. Luckily, there’s Apothecanna’s Relief Spray, which combines pain-relieving botanicals like arnica, peppermint and juniper with the healing powers of cannabis to deliver instant, ultimate relief. If your dad is super, super square, forget to tell him the spray contains cannabis. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, but the untreated stress sure as hell will.
For more on Apothecanna, visit the company’s website here
For the Perpetually Sunburnt and Canna-Curious: DIVIOS CBD Sunscreen
Having spent the majority of my boat-adjacent childhood slathered in an unnecessarily thick layer of SPF 50, a link exists between fatherly love and the poor application of sunscreen. However well-intentioned this dad might have been, this Sunday, it’s time to flip it on him. If you’re dad is active, shirtless, and a secret sucker for skincare, DIVIOS CBD Sunscreen is the clear choice.
This hot new sun care line combines CBD’s anti-inflammatory, free-radical fighting properties with a chemical-free blend of ingredients like aloe, lavender butter, and witch hazel to elevate his tan without altering his mind.
For more on DIVIOS, visit the company’s website here
For the Ex-Stoner Who Thinks Today’s Weed Is Terrifying: Dad Grass
Now, this dad signifies a departure from said squares. Quiet, curious, and laced with an arsenal of untold stories from his stoner youth, this dad is down to get high. Only problem, your concepts of high are very different. He’s down to smoke “grass” (read: shake), but the crystalline eighth you copped at the dispensary will send him into a bad trip tailspin.
To prompt the perfect Father’s Day garage sesh, get your dad some specially formulated Dad Grass. Focused on recreating the mellow vibes of last century’s cannabis, this flower is ideal for anyone who’s old enough to find $60 top-shelf eighths terrifying, but still wants to get lit.
For more on Dad Grass, visit the company’s website here
For the Secret Stoner Who Thinks He’s Slick: Canlock Smell Proof Container
For the dad who thinks you don’t know that he smokes — despite the fact that you've been stealing his outdoor flower since middle school — surprise him with a Canlock Smell Proof Container. These brilliant and affordable devices have all the perks of a stash box, but with the added bonus of some patented vacuum pump tech that will turn down the stank on even the loudest of loud. Not only will this gift let your dad know that, well, you know he smokes… you’ll also help him retain whatever moisture is left in that stem-filled stash his fishing buddy gave him last fall.
For more on Canlock, visit the company’s website here
For Dads Trying to Embrace Wellness: Prismatic Plants Good Day / Good Night Duo Set
This forward-thinking dad has been flirting with the new age thing for a minute, uses the word “open” too much, and tried to go to yoga once but hated it. In lieu of explaining Bikram to him, again, gift him Prismatic Plants beautiful new tinctures, the Good Day and Good Night Duo Set.
This day and night formula combines adaptogenic herbs, medicinal mushrooms (not the magic kind, unfortunately), and cannabinoids into a single dose to combat stress and reduce anxiety. If he sticks to the tincture regimen, the benefits are sure to last longer than his raw diet will.
For more on Prismatic Plants, visit the company’s website here
For the “Cool Dad”: Heavy Hitters Disposable Vape
Whether he’s in the midst of a midlife crisis or had you young enough that he might actually still be cool, this dad is hip, he’s wow, he’s now. While other, lesser dads are smoking a shwag joint around a charcoal grill, this dad is ordering room service at The Standard, vaping in bed, watching the last episode of Chernobyl like the millennial boss he isn’t.
For the age-defying anomaly who has it all, enter Heavy Hitters. With disposable vape pens featuring strains like Malibu OG, Pineapple Express, Jack Herer, and Strawberry Cough, these sleek, subtle smoking devices are the perfect complement to his signature lewk of skinny jeans, an Apple Watch, high-top sneakers, and love handles.
For more on Heavy Hitters, visit the company’s website here
For the Dad Who Loves Jerry Garcia More Than Life: Aster Farms Day to Night Pre-Roll Pack
The time has come to face the final boss of all stoner dads. The mythic Deadhead dad is, above all else, old. Longish white hair becomes one with a longish white beard. This dad has smoked weed openly around you since you were a toddler, eats mushrooms on his lake boat in the summer, and obviously Jerry Garcia portraits adorn the halls of your childhood home.
If this sounds familiar, congratulations. Your dad is a legend deserving of Aster Farms’ brilliant new Day to Night pre-roll pack. Five joints — each offering a different experience based on time-appropriate sunscapes (“sunrise,” “radiant,” “sunset,” “moonlight,” and “outer space”) — will lead him seamlessly from an upbeat morning, through the day, to a relaxing night. Life’s a long strange trip. He’s earned it. Now give him the gift that will send him to the dark side of the moon and back.
For more on Aster Farms, visit the company’s website here
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