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The Top 5 Ways Dudes Ruin Weed for Women

Keep it in your plants, guys.

by Lauren Maul

by Lauren Maul

Just kidding! Nothing can ruin weed. BUT there are some dudes who need to STEP OFF when it comes to ladies and their sweet, sweet Jane. Here are the top five ways dudes will try to harsh your mellow.

Weedsplaining

In this very specific form of mansplaining, the male will attempt to explain weed to you. He may not know what he’s talking about, but he will list of a lot of letters, like “CBB” and “TLC.” Yes, it’s “CBD” and “THC,” but DO NOT TRY TO CORRECT HIM. That will only lead to more weedsplaining, and you have a lot of important vaping to do. In this scenario it’s best to nod politely while walking away slowly. By the time he says “Do you know that Indica makes women HORNY?” you will have already disappeared into a magical cloud of vapor.

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Weed-Creepin’

Sharing is caring when it comes to weed—and pot karma is real. But beware: The most dangerous side effect of sharing weed with boys is the creep-factor. Social science has proven that inhaling weed from a shared piece causes dudes to think that they can shamelessly flirt with you. If you’re a crafty lady who frequently shares her greens, consider engraving this simple mantra on your piece: “HIT ON THIS, DON’T HIT ON ME.”

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Daddy Weedbucks

A Daddy Weedbucks is a dude who thinks you are a little stoner-orphan who needs to be taken under his wing. He will begin with some light weedsplaining and then move into the “concerned parent” role. When he tells you, “Careful, that weed is strong!” that’s your cue to take all of that strong-ass weed and disappear into your trusty vapor cloud like the weed-magician you are.

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Nugget Negging

Some males will say negative things to you about your appearance in order to get you into their beds. This is called “negging.” The same logic applies to weed: If a boy negs your nugs, he’s just trying to get them into his bowl. So, don’t be insulted when some rando dude harasses your stash. Calmly ask him to show you his stash—if it’s “SOOOO great”—and while he’s busy bragging, nab all of the nugs and flee into the night. (It’s not actually stealing, it’s simply compensation for all the bullshit you had to put up with.)

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Bogarting Your Bud

Even if a dude thinks your stash is weak-sauce, that doesn’t mean he won’t try to smoke ALL OF IT. Puff, puff, pass doesn’t apply to this dude—he’s above the toke-laws. He weedsplains so much during his turn that your vaporizer enters sleep-mode, and soon he’s reaching for your stash to refill the vape as though it were all his. If this were just a joint you could cut your losses and flee from the Bogart relatively unscathed, but he has your pretty vaporizer that you spent good money on in his grubby little hands with no plans of letting go. At this point, the only thing to do is to Momma Jane him (the female equivalent of the Daddy Weedbucks.) Pat him on his little stoner head and tell him in a concerned-mom-voice: “I think you’ve had enough, honey. I’m just looking out for you! Do you need me to call your ride?”

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So stay vigilant ladies—only YOU can protect yourself and your buzz.

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Lauren Maul

Lauren Maul lives in Brooklyn, where she creates stories, music, and shows (while vaping.) See what she’s up to at www.laurenmaul.org.



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