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Taco Bell’s (Way Too) Cheesy Core Burrito

MERRY JANE digs in on stoner snacks.

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Do you like cheese?  Do you also like heart attacks?

From Taco Bell, the fast food chain that introduced us to the Doritos Locos Tacos and Fritos in everything comes the new Cheesy Core Burrito.  

“The center is where it’s at,” is the new slogan ringing from the bell towers of every Taco Bell nationwide.  The burrito is packed with a 3-cheese blend in addition to the creamy nacho cheese sauce our taste buds and stomachs have come to develop a love-hate relationship with.

After my previously sugarcoated article and subsequent apology, I made a run for the border in order to give you an honest take on the new $1.99 menu item.


I pulled up to the drive thru at my local Taco Bell and asked for a Spicy Cheesy Core Burrito with some hesitation.  “How many would you like?” asked the voice coming from the speaker.  “My stomach is urging me to order only one, thank you.”

I sat down and prepared myself for the loads of cheese that were about to enter my system.  With my physician on speed dial and an AED on hand, I opened the wrapper to expose the hefty burrito.  The first bite did not yield one ounce of cheese but I did get a nice taste of Taco Bell’s trademark herbs and spices.  The second bite revealed a smidgen of the melted 3-cheese mix.

After a monstrous bite without holding back my mouth was filled with a tasty blast of imitation Mexican food.  Halfway through I could feel the cheese begin to coagulate in my system.

The globs of cheese oozed to the bottom of the burrito and each bite masked the taste of the other ingredients.  I think one might be some kind of seasoned meat, rice, and jalapenos.

I wanted to make it through the whole thing but I decided to Google what too much cheese could do to my fragile innards.  Health experts say you should shoot for a cholesterol level of less than 200 mg/dl per day.  I don’t know what that means, but I think this burrito has more.

I also read an article saying cheese is the number 1 source of saturated fat in Americans, too much can cause diabetes and heart disease, and the antibiotics and hormones pumped into the cows can transfer disgusting byproducts into the cheese, I decided to stop.  Something tells me this burrito isn’t organic from grass fed cows.

Please, eat at your own risk while I go do some sit-ups.  The stomach is where it’s at, apparently.

Are you over 18?