Well, this is it. Summer's finally coming to an end. As Labor Day looms on the weekend's sweltering horizon, the redundancy of yet another pool/BBQ situation is nothing short of bleak. Aside from marking the end of our favorite, party-centric season by recreating the same type of celebration we're all pretty bored of at this point, Labor Day's actual meaning has grown equally nonsensical.
According to the Department of Labor, "Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country."
Clearly a relic left over from a bygone era, when people actively embraced American Exceptionalism, treated the Pledge of Allegiance seriously, and hated fun, it seems odd to celebrate now. For one, labor means very different things to different generations. At a time when "to work is to pray" feels like the M.O. of pretty much every millennial, from gig economy hustlers to the mass population of freelancers without real labor protections, it's not like workers can just take a day off and fill our bodies with booze and hydrogenated oils because of some symbolic long weekend. For that matter, what even is a weekend when you are self-employed?
But, we're going to honor this wholly undeserved holiday anyway — mostly because you should take a day off from "The Man" so you can spend times with your loved ones. Not because the government suggests as much, but because you deserve it. To help enhance the (admittedly flawed) spirit of Labor Day, here are some products that take the work out of getting high, whether you're running a company, or running from the guy who fronted you a gram.
For High-Powered Professionals...
The Levo Oil Infusion
Unfortunately, the saying "with great power comes great responsibility" is true. With high powered jobs come tons of money, but also a stressful vibe that drains other aspects of your life into an all-consuming vortex. Friends, family, and free time tend to fade into the distance as you ascend the personally treacherous, fiscally viable ladder. Unlike many of us (me), these people did not flail around drunk all summer. These people probably deserve a day off for Labor Day, but will likely work through it because they're insane and desperately need to get stoned.
The Levo Oil Infusion is ideal for the on-the-go professional who needs to chill the fuck out. Sleek, futuristic, and time sensitive, this amazing machine uses heat to transfer all properties (taste, color, nutrients) of a certain botanical ingredient into the carrier (oil or butter). Basically, it makes weed oil in 2.5 hours, great for getting the most successful person you know high without spending the evening begging them to hit a joint.
For more on The Levo Oil Infusion device, visit the company's website here
For 9-5, Cog-in-the-Wheel Workers...
Conjuring notions of horrifying monotony and quiet desperation a la Office Space, a 9-5 job almost seems taboo in our current millennial landscape. If you or someone you know is subjected to this day-in and day-out lifestyle, I suggest Cannastrips — and stat.
Inconspicuous, and potent enough to penetrate the boredom that is a cubicle, these strips are fast-acting, taking effect in 15-30 minutes, and last a solid 6-8 hours. Choices include "Black Mamba" containing 25mg THC, "Clear" containing 20mg THC, "CBD" containing 10mg CBD, and "Sleep" containing 5mg CBD and 5mg Melatonin. No matter what ails you — pain, boredom, insomnia, whatever — place one of these magic little squares below your tongue and it's Memorial Day all over again.
Are you over 18?
For more on Cannstrips, visit the company's website here
For Service Industry Workers...
One thing I've learned (the hard way) is that getting too high before working a shift at a service industry job can be a HUGE mistake. While bartending or waitressing may seem simple, a few too many hits of a joint and you've charged the wrong tabs to the wrong credit cards. Everyone is screaming, as a pure form of white hot panic rushes down your face. Thankfully, advancements in marijuana have created ample middle ground between not stoned and too stoned, a favorite tool for this just right high being Beboe Pastilles.
Dubbed the "Hermes of Marijuana" by the New York Times, Beboe exists at an apex of design, quality, and branding. Founded by celebrity tattoo artist Scott Campbell and famed fashion executive Clement Kwan, Beboe's rose gold pen and Pastilles line are leading cannabis culture from festival parking lots to the Styles section. Notes of apple and currant frame these delicate little treats, each packed with 5mg THC and 3mg CBD, with a natural accelerant so the high will hit you within the hour. Eat one to start, and relax as a never-ending cascade of annoying people becomes slightly less annoying throughout your shift.
Visit Beboe's website for more on their sleek and sexy products
If You're Fully Unemployed...
Image via Sunflower Pipes Brooklyn
So, you're broke. That sucks, but you've come to the right place for advice on how to remain high on a budget of negative $200. First of all, any weed you have must be meticulously rationed to last as long as possible. You can't afford to splurge on the amount to make up a joint, or even the tobacco to make it a spliff. Forget a dab, and a bong is out of the question.
Are you over 18?
So, how do you stay stoned all day with no money and barely any weed? A chillum, of course. Do they often look like crack pipes? Sure. Will your parents question you as such if they find one in your car? Yes, sorry about that Dad. But costing between 99 cents and $5, not only does it scream unemployed, it's discreet enough to hit in the car, on the sidewalk, or wherever else may constitute your free place to chill. I've been using them for years because one, they're convenient, and two, you're never too broke to get stoned ;)
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