Nothing is less fun than mandatory fun. Especially if that fun involves spending your unpaid personal time avoiding Gary from Accounting, who creepily keeps pointing out the mistletoe taped to the ceiling. But, the office holiday party is a time-honored tradition and you have to attend.
At least it’s a great way to get some free food and drink, watch your coworkers make fools of themselves, and get the inside scoop on what your boss really thinks about Gary from Accounting. If you’re smart about it, it could even be an awesome way to bond or network with people from the office you don’t get a chance to talk to during the week.
That’s why choosing to be low-key stoned is totally the move. When done right, you seem calm, collected, and like you have your shit together, whether you do or do not, in fact, have your shit together. When done wrong, you look like a ravenous giggle monster who can’t keep up with normal conversation. Here are some tips for getting high at the office holiday party and avoiding a sitdown with HR.
Know your limits and stick to what you know.
Obviously, you don’t want to be the least sober person in the room. Time your sesh before you leave to be vibing at the party, not tired and over-mellow. The office holiday party is also not the time to try out an edible from a new company with vague dosing instructions. Stick to your favorite methods of use!
Use edibles or a discreet vape.
Edibles are the easiest way to avoid any awkward situations involving flower. You won’t reek of a stinky roach in your Christmas sweater pocket and you won’t run the risk of the coat-check worker discovering your paraphernalia. If you’re not into edibles and you want to keep your buzz going, a PAX 3 or similarly discreet vape is the way to go. Using one on the low in the fire stairwell won’t get you busted.
Stick to sativas or hybrids.
To each his own, but it’s probably best to avoid straight-up indicas for the office party. If your boss comes over and wants to discuss “strategies for 2017,” you don’t want jelly legs and sleepy eyes giving you away. Choose an indica or a hybrid for best conversational focus.
Use eye drops.
“Allergy season” doesn’t really exist in cold climates, so there goes your alibi. Bring eye drops and use them liberally. If anybody asks, you just got new contact lenses.
Chew gum and drink water.
This is a no-brainer for wake-and-bake veterans, but you’ve gotta tame your dank breath throughout the night. Gum and water will keep your mouth from drying out and giving your buzz away.
Keep your eyes on the prize: food.
You can’t say something dumb if you’re stuffing your mouth with those sweet catered apps. Go grab a plate and get your munchies on. Nobody will notice, since the point of these parties is the free food. Just don’t go so crazy that you start sticking your fingers in the chocolate mousse “for a taste.” That’s disgusting and a surefire way to become the social outcast everyone talks about at the water cooler.
Identify your squad.
You’ve always suspected that Alice the intern and Drew from Marketing are 420-friendly. Get a feel for them and suss the situation out. They may be high, too. If so, vibe with them. Stoners always have other stoners’ backs. Just be careful not to blurt out your high status if they seem like they’ll tattle.
To keep your buzz going, make sure to have some reserves. Again, the PAX 3 (or similar vape) and edibles come in handy for this. Just make sure not to take your sweater or coat off and leave it laying around. And, if things are going well with the cute girl or guy you’ve had your eye on, offer to “take a walk” together. Weed always brings peeps together.
Are you over 18?
Cool it with the alcohol.
It’s probably not a good idea to mix alcohol and weed for an event like this. If your office has a culture of pressuring people to drink, ask the bartender for seltzer with a lime. If the CEO offers a holiday shot or a champagne glass toast, you’ve gotta drink that one. Just don’t go overboard.
Make friends with kids and pets.
If there’s a kids table or a company dog and you’re feeling that high-solation, you can always count on children and animals to not judge you. Say whatever your high ass comes up with—they don’t care! Chances are you’ll be a hit with both.
Avoid Santas, elves, and dance-offs.
Grown adults in costume? That’s a huge nope whilst high. They either bring on the paranoia or bring on the giggles. And neither are appropriate emotional responses, however completely understandable. As for dance-offs, nobody needs to see you Nae Nae. Nobody needs to see you laugh at your boss’s awful Nae Nae, either.
Avoid work talk whenever possible.
If you’re at a  or higher, avoid work talk. Let’s be honest—most people just want to talk shit anyway, and that’s never a good look. Ask people about their hobbies, their travel plans, and their families. Then, just sit back and listen.
Get fresh air.
Is there a balcony? A rooftop? A stairwell? Locate it and go “enjoy the view” if you get too high.
Once you’ve made your rounds, talked up your work crush, gorged on mini hotdogs, and listened to the obligatory toasts, it’s time to go. You’ve fulfilled your yearly obligation and you’ve got better places to be, like your couch. Mmmm, couch.
Are you over 18?