For 30 days, Zeus Tipado (a.k.a. the Stoned Gamer) consumed nothing but the meal-replacement drink Soylent and dabs provided by Vader Extracts, Dank Tank, and Caviar Gold. He survived Week 1, Week 2, and Week 3 of his “moronic and unscientific” experiment, but the first 21 days, in which the only flavors he tasted came from the terpenes in cannabis extracts and a buttery foulness from the drink, took him to some strange, introspective, OCD places. He documented it all on this site and by using the Toke With app.
The final nine days continued to be a strange roller coaster ride for Zeus, and it all left him with an unexpected conclusion. Read on to experience his highs and increasingly extreme lows. While they are incredibly interesting and entertaining, Zeus and MERRY JANE urge you once again—DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
There is nothing scientific about whatever it is I’m doing. In the past I referred to it as an “experiment,” but even an experiment has a hypothesis underlying the research. With drinking Soylent and taking dabs for 30 days, it’s just pure lunacy. If my parents discovered what was happening, my mom would spend the rest of the year crying, under the belief that her son had transformed into a druggie with OCD.
I can’t stop planning out exactly how the food destruction will unfold the moment I can start eating real food again. Aside from having a small bowl of fresh, unseasoned veggies, I’m thinking of an early-morning trip to Localita & The Badasserie to taste one of their groundbreaking vegan breakfast sandwiches. After that, we’re traveling to Hollywood to decimate whatever is on the menu at Doomie’s Home Cookin’, a place that served up the tastiest vegan soul food known to all planetary life. Once that’s done, a trip to Au Lac in DTLA will go down and I will consume a vegan oyster po-boy along with a fine glass of red wine so I can feel like the Merovingian in The Matrix Reloaded. It’s all planned, and it’s a guaranteed path to victory.
I’ve switched my extract choice to CO2 extracted hash made by 710 Labs, and I’ve been taking more than generous dabs since I have entirely too much of it. We always forget that the classics like bubble hash are still very authentic forms of concentrates and extractions. The stuff your parents smoked—they were ahead of their time. Your mom and dad deserves a little cannabis street cred, folks.
I’ve also been hitting most of my hash out of a Flytlab FUSE e-hookah. It looks like a lightsaber ready to be wielded by a skilled Jedi. That, or a severed penis from a very large cybernetic robot that somehow has a built-in penis—although I can’t imagine a scenario in which a robot would have a penis.
Last night I went to an art gallery opening and there were so many opportunities to smoke weed from the plethora of hipsters that filled the venue. Blunts, joints, even bongs were handed to me and unfortunately I had to turn down every offer.
There are two things that happen when someone offers you marijuana and you turn it down. The simple act of handing someone a joint is an incredibly kind gesture—almost like serving up a plate of food when someone enters your house. When that friendly gesture is turned down, it’s highly offensive. There’s just no way around it. However, once you deny a person’s offer to smoke weed, you automatically get placed into the category of “conservative, up-tight, borderline NARC”—a title that makes me want to take a shower just thinking about. The horror.
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I’ve made it all the way to San Bernardino, Calif., for the final Stoned Gamer Qualifier Tournament of the year, which is held at Blacklist Sesh. It’s a little far out of the way, but Blacklist Sesh is host to some incredible up-and-coming cannabis companies from the Inland Empire. We’ve done many qualifiers at Blacklist Sesh, and the staff are incredibly dope to work with.
It’s also important to note that I get bombarded with an influx of free dabs from companies, and their overwhelmingly generous offers to get me as high as possible only fuels my performance as an MC during a Stoned Gamer Tournament. Once again, adrenaline takes over when Tournament activities are underway, so it only took three bottles of Soylent to nourish myself throughout the day (along with 31 dabs).
I’m no longer surviving off Soylent, I’m thriving off this stuff. The finish line is directly ahead and I’m going into the end of this challenge way more calm and relaxed than I thought I would be. I spent most of my morning talking to a fellow Toke With named @BleazyMaster420, who essentially broke down the science of THC and rolling blunts. He informed me that when weed is rolling into a joint, 50 percent of the THC is burned in the cherry and that if the bud had any mites/mold, the cherry would sterilize most of the harmful stuff. Very interesting. So, perhaps in some standards, smoking joints is healthier than vaping or dabbing.
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Just when I thought my days of struggling with this Soylent and dab challenge were over, here I am, alone once again in my bedroom, with barely enough energy to pick up my phone and stream. Two full days remaining and all I can think about is eating a cold egg sandwich, a craving that I haven’t had since I became a vegan back in 2012. With every entry that I make on Toke With, it feels like I’m making an entry in Captain’s Log as I’m aboard the Star Trek Enterprise. Just that poignant fantasy has somehow kept my mind off the fact that I’ve been through 28 days of not chewing or eating a single bit of food. My jaw has been on the ultimate vacation. I wonder how long it will take me to bite into my lip the first moments of eating food. Upon actually writing this, it seems like a fleeting thought, but I’ve been obsessing over this simple question for much of my day. The OCD is still ever-present—fingers crossed it goes away when I get off this Soylent stuff.
One more day. One more day. One more day.
This has been my mantra throughout the entire day, although technically I’m not accounting for this current day, so my mantra is already flawed. Nevertheless, it has been fueling me through the day. I’ve noticed the smells of food are so intense that it’s nearly bordering on nauseating. Anything fried, the odor is so alluring that I begin to salivate like some Pavlovian dog.
Are you over 18?
At this point, my digestive tract is so unnatural that I dread going to the bathroom every day. Just put it like this: When you’re not consuming solids, it’s difficult for your body to make your “food” into a solid to pass through your stomach and large intestine. Things are painful, and you know exactly what those “things” are.
I can’t stop giggling like a schoolgirl today because once the sun rises tomorrow, my life will be enriched with not only the taste of food, but also the taste of buds. This entire day has been dedicated to planning out tomorrow. With this final bottle of Soylent in my hand, I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am that all of this is over. I’m entirely too excited to describe this overwhelming feeling that has engulfed me, however I really encourage all of you to watch every day of this Soylent and dab challenge on Toke With. You can witness me break down (even more so) in all 30 days of my live stream archive. It’s heartbreaking, hilarious, frightening—but above all else, it is now complete.
I can’t thank the amazing guys at Caviar Gold and Dank Tank enough for supplying me with a month of complimentary extracts for absolutely free. Without their donation, none of this Soylent and dab nonsense would’ve been possible. They kept me incredibly high throughout this half-assed experiment, so thanks to them once again.
The people at MERRY JANE, one day I’m going to construct an idea that’s so outlandish that you’ll literally restrain me from doing it, but until that day comes, a massive thank you for letting me be as nuts as possible all in the name of entertainment.
Are you over 18?
For the people out there, I seriously encourage you NOT to try this at home. Don’t even think about it. Sure, I lost 17 lbs. and my blood pressure is back to normal, but there are easier ways to achieve that than depriving your body of true happiness. This was not remotely easy. Every day was a struggle, a struggle in which I eventually came out on top. If you want to test yourself, fast for eight hours, take a quarter of psilocybe cubensis in a dark room, and close your eyes and see what the universe has to say.
That’s right, my final thought: Take psychedelics. It’s the only way humanity has a chance. Leave the Soylent in the laboratory, where it belongs.