For 30 days, Zeus Tipado (a.k.a. the Stoned Gamer) consumed nothing but the meal-replacement drink Soylent and dabs provided by Vader Extracts, Dank Tank, and Caviar Gold. He survived Week 1 of his “moronic and unscientific” experiment, but the first seven days, in which the only flavors he tasted came from the terpenes in cannabis extracts, took him to some strange, introspective, OCD places. He documented it all on this site and by using the Toke With app.
Week 2? Well, it only got weirder for Zeus. Read on to experience his highs and lows. While they are incredibly interesting and entertaining, Zeus and MERRY JANE urge you again—DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
With the new obsessive-compulsive disorder I’ve developed and the leaning of systematically ordering things until perfection, I thought I would take this frantic energy and apply it to something productive—like playing Rocket League for countless hours. If you’re not familiar with Rocket League, just imagine cars with rocket propulsion playing soccer. Although it’s a fast-twitch game, it forces players to predict angles and mathematically deduce things like the bounce of the ball before a rocket car can strike and hopefully make a goal.
Nothing in my body told me I should start conserving energy, but there’s something about living off a bottle of chemicals that makes you second guess any physical activities that could be draining. Sitting on a sofa, playing Xbox One seemed like something that I could do all day without breaking a sweat—so I did, all day.
After wasting my life away knocking virtual soccer balls into a virtual goal for a rank that means very little in the grand scheme of the universe, I woke up today with an incredible boost of energy. Perhaps this is my body telling me that it can do all of the normal stuff it’s used to, despite living off only Soylent and dabs.
Just after my morning dab and bottle of Soylent, I drove to a hiking path to scale Eagle Rock, in Topanga State Park. I started my voyage at 10 a.m., and with a backpack filled with a complete dab rig, torch, and recording equipment, my hike up to the top was a breeze. There were moments in which my legs started to feel the lactic acid buildup, but that’s just standard when it comes to hiking an inclined surface. Nothing out of the ordinary here. However, when I got to the top, things started to get really weird, and paranoid.
At the top of Eagle Rock are two chairs and a small wrought iron table, which is where I started setting up my supplies and, most important, the dab rig. As far as the view from the top, it’s something out of an R.L. Stine book. In the distance there are creepy houses awkwardly placed on hills, with some covered in decrepit oak trees. If this view had a genre, it would undoubtedly be suspense thriller.
The moment I started getting my quartz banger heated for a dab and recording on Toke With, a helicopter approached and started to make circles around my position. Of course, there’s a strong chance the helicopter was incidentally flying above me for some reason completely unrelated to my being there, but when you’re rocking a beard underneath an ominous hoodie with a torch and electronic equipment on a table while alone on top of a mountain, I can see why someone might be a little suspicious. Someone on the Toke With broadcast threw out a joke, claiming the helicopter was “dropping bombs” on me, and at that moment I freaked out, grabbed all of my stuff as quickly has humanly possible, and started scaling down the mountain with quickness.
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I’m never doing that again, my heart is thumping just from recounting the incident.
Finally in the double digits with this experiment. Personal achievement unlocked. Now that I’ve made it to Day 10, I rewarded myself with a brand new Nexus Glass puck, along with a fresh quartz banger to nuke some tasty Caviar Gold Amber Fire. The flavor of the Amber Fire is literally the only taste I get on my lips. After taking my first dab in this new rig, my high was bordering on an out-of-body experience.
The level of high you get when there’s no solid food in your body is unknown to most. If the extract is sativa-based, the head high is felt almost immediately and it’s usually accompanied with supreme euphoria. It’s akin to a mild form of MDMA. When it comes to indica, you can almost feel the THC permute through your veins and eventually engulf your entire body. It’s overwhelming, but if you don’t fight it, the feeling can be incredibly rewarding.
Today the Stoned Gamer Qualifying Tournament #14 took place at Pharmfest in Downtown Los Angeles. Many of you may know that I run the first and only cannabis eSports league in which gamers get stoned and play games for prizes. The game of the 2016 Season is Marvel vs. Capcom 2, so after an arduous 16-player bracket, we were left with a Final Four and eventually a Champion that was awarded a prize from our partners at Flytlab. The top four advanced to the 2016 Stoned Gamer GRAND FINALE. It was a lot of fun, and if you want more info just check out the Stoned Gamer site.
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Perhaps it was the sudden rush of adrenalin from throwing a Stoned Gamer Tournament, but I only consumed three bottles of Soylent and I felt remarkably energized. Maybe the 22 dabs I took throughout the tournament played a minor factor.
Fifty-three bottles of Soylent and 87 dabs later and my body has lost nearly 10 lbs. This incidentally may be the greatest weight-loss diet in modern history.
It doesn’t necessarily matter if the bottles of Soylent are chilled or room temperature. The taste, or lack of taste, doesn’t deviate. At least I thought it didn’t.
There has been a slight transformation in the Soylent experience. It may not be the taste that has changed, but now when I drink a bottle of Soylent, all I can think of is the texture of liquid margarine or butter. It’s that smooth. Cognitively, if you think you’re drinking liquid butter, the substance will start tasting like liquid butter—and now I fell head first into this mental trap. All of my Soylent taste like butter, and it’s almost unbearable.
This buttery taste, my god. Just imagine opening your fridge, getting the soft spread butter, and eating a bowl of it—five times a day. Granted, I know I’m not eating butter, but the way my mind is now working enables me to collapse into these peculiar cognitive lulls.
This could also be another way my newly-developed OCD is manifesting itself, forcing the mind to assign a taste to something that has no taste. With such an incredible lack of flavor in my life, my mind is recategorizing what taste is, and whatever it isn’t, it suddenly is.
Are you over 18?
Finally, the end of week two has arrived and not a moment too soon. Getting up this morning was difficult. I knew that if I just stayed in bed all day, I wouldn’t have some of the severe physical and mental exhaustion I’ve been experiencing this week. Just alone, in bed, with drugs around me. That’s like the handbook to being a junkie.
With enough courage I peeled myself out of bed at 2 p.m. and drove to the Toke With office to get in better spirits. Miguel Sugay, the co-founder of Toke With, is part human, part static electricity. Just being around him for 30 seconds made me forget all of the nonsense this Soylent and dab experiment has put me through.
After more than a sensible amount of dabs, we thought it would be best to actually dab Soylent—yeah, getting a dab rig hot enough, and then just dumping a small amount of Soylent in the banger. In retrospect, it was a stupid idea, but not even just a slightly stupid. Dabbing Soylent is clearly such a blatantly stupid idea that should never be attempted by anyone reading this. However, I did it, and RIP brain cells. We had a great run, you guys.
Dabbing Soylent is the equivalent of someone burning Christmas cookies and then having all of those scorched Christmas cookies shoved down your throat in succession. None of it was bright to do, but having that wretched taste in my mouth made me get over the buttery vortex Soylent has held over me for the past few days.
Are you over 18?
Week 2 wrapped up, and I can’t even say that I’m halfway done with this. Damn. Dammit.
Check back next week for Days 15–21 of Zeus’ Soylent x dabs experiment!