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© 2017 MERRY JANE. All Rights Reserved.

The Worst Gifts to Give Somebody for Valentine’s Day

The thought does not always count.

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Valentine’s Day—that ugly marketing trap turned mandatory gift-giving event—is almost here again. Those of us in committed relationships have to brainstorm the perfectly thoughtful present that’s going to make our sweethearts swoon. Though “it’s the thought that counts,” good intentions won’t save you if your Valentine’s Day present sucks and weed is the only thing making hearts race. Here are some awful Valday prezzies that will ensure you’re single by summer.

Sex Coupons in a Lightbulb


Image via Etsy

Unless you’re 9 and it’s Mother’s Day, you’re not allowed to give people “a bunch of coupons” as a legitimate gift. Paying actual money ($20 for blanks, $30 for pre-printed) for these “sex coupons” shoved inside a lightbulb is even more egregious. Adding to the shittiness is the pun attempt of “You turn me on” scrawled in Comic Sans. I shudder to think what kind of sexual acts are suggested by these tiny scrolls, and cannot fathom a situation where taking out this lightbulb wouldn’t absolutely ruin the moment.

An Engraved Knife


Image via Etsy

Maybe I read too much true crime, but this looks like something that Annie Wilkes would buy. I can just hear some psycho screaming out, “I love YOU more!!” while stabbing the heart that was promised to them in their mind. After you buy this knife, all your loved one needs is a shovel and a tarp and you can get Gone Girl-ed real quick.

An Unfunny Card


Image via Etsy

Make light of the Muslim Ban and ensure the reaction by your S.O. is “Uh, thanks” with this awful card. The inside is blank, so it’s up to you to write a careful justification for bringing up Trump’s racist policies on a holiday that is, for once, not about him.

Bud Lite in a Rose Box


Image via ChrisWithWings

There’s nothing wrong with giving your S.O. an adult beverage on V-Day. A custom cocktail, a handle of craft whiskey, a vintage wine, and a bottle of champagne all fall within the lines of “normal” for an alcohol-themed gift. But when your girl says she wants “bubbly,” she definitely did not mean this $14.99 grocery story rose box of six “daddy sodas.” At least save your money and get her a case! It’s a better value!

Any Cleaning Item


Image via Amazon

Never, ever get your lover a gift that can be used for cleaning. It’s insulting, and it’s basically saying, “You’re the maid! You love cleaning!” Nobody loves cleaning. It may seem like a good idea in your head. “He said that he ‘really wants to try that Dustbuster’ he saw on TV,” you’ll convince yourself. It’s a terrible idea that will do your relationship dirty.

A $195 Goop “Energy Cleaning Kit”


Image via Goop

Goop came out with its ridiculous 2017 Valentine’s Guide, and this Energy Cleaning Kit tops the list of the worst items on it. Gwyneth Paltrow claims that for $195 you can “cleanse your personal sanctuary of any and all negative energy.” The kit, which comes with sage, a feather, and a smudge bowl isn’t just ridiculously overpriced, it’s single-use!

Humorous Toilet Paper


Image via Etsy

The most disturbing of these kitschy, handmade, love-themed toilet paper rolls is the diarrhea one at the bottom. It takes someone extremely mentally unstable to think that this would be a good gift idea.