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© 2017 MERRY JANE. All Rights Reserved.

The Trippiest Gifs Guide to Washing Your Filthy Hands

Only your thoughts will be dirty.

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Why hello there, traveller! How’s your head? Is it still spinning from all those optical illusions? My head’s great. I haven’t had any complaints. We’ve found ourselves here, together, halfway through October, close to Halloween but still so damn far from that pesky Election.

Pardon me, I’ve failed to introduce myself. I’m the GifMeister and I live in this corner of the Internet. You must have stumbled here after reading about more serious topics, like Kansas’ legalization measures or parenting and business advice from the moms who co-own one of Arizona’s top dispensaries. While I cannot offer you sobering news or enlightening culture, I can invite you to peruse my collection. This is my recurring series of whoa, where I boink your mind with whimsical and paranoia-inducing gifs!  

I’m sure you’re already well aware, but Oct. 15 is Global Handwashing Day. That’s right, it’s time to get out your handwashing fanfare and deck the halls with pictures of hands, water, and soap! In all seriousness, handwashing is a great way to prevent the spread of diseases and illness to yourself and others. Truly, way too many people do not wash their dang paws. Only 20 percent of people wash their hands before preparing food. And only 25 percent of women and 50 percent of men wash their hands after going to the bathroom. It’s a goddamn shitshow!

For your sake—and everyone else’s—follow along as I show you how to clean up nicely so only your thoughts are dirty.

Step 1: Douse your grubby mitts and things with water.

Step 2: Use a dollop of iridescent liquid soap.

Step 3: Lather, rub, and count to 15, until your grout is looking great.

Step 4: Towel or air dry hands and entire body.

Still not feeling totally germ-free? You could always vacuum.

Or sweep.

Or do a full-body wipedown.

I’m sure your car could use some love too.

Just don’t go too crazy.

Or if you’re really antsy you could bust out the power washer.

Much better.

Just don’t forget to put your hair up first! Accidents happen!

Cleaning truly is that sweet satisfaction that you can take into the real world.

So, folks, be like Sub-Zero and turn hand-washing into a power move.

And if you use hand sanitizer, just be sure not to get it near a flame, as trippy as it looks.