Hello and welcome to High Fashion, a column about how to wear clothes if you’re a dude who smokes pot. Now, I know that if you’re reading this you already wear clothes. In fact, you’re probably wearing some right now. But trust me—you’re doing it wrong, buddy, and we’re about to fix it.
This column will take the general facets of the weed-loving lifestyle—coziness, relaxation, self-expression, and giving slightly less of a fuck about trivial bullshit because you’re high—and apply them to your body and the clothes you put on it each day.
I’ll be dissecting the minutiae of stoner fashion, talking about what to wear, when, and why. But that is not what this particular article is about. Before we can get into the various ins, outs, and what-have-yous of wearing clothes if you’re a dude who smokes pot, we need to establish some ground rules. An essential document if you will, something people can always and forever refer to so that if I died in like 15 minutes the world’s stoners would still be slightly less shittily dressed. So without further adieu, I present to you:
THE EIGHT COMMANDMENTS FOR WEARING CLOTHES IF YOU’RE A DUDE WHO SMOKES POT
RULE NUMERO UNO: Be Comfortable, But Also Fashionable
This is rule numero uno for a very good reason—people look like shit, like, all the time, and there’s no reason they have to. Look at a color wheel, bro. Make some shit match with some other shit. Yeah you can wear those sweatpants out of the house, but maybe wear some black ones with the little tapered bottoms so you someone might confuse you with a normal human wearing normal pants. They’re cheap, you can get them at H&M. Even better, buy some jeans with some stretchy-ass elastane in them. They look like jeans, they feel like pajamas, and most importantly they are not pajama jeans.
RULE NUMERO TWO: You Can Buy Weed, But You Can’t Buy Style
The only thing cornier than being some poindexter who dresses like he slept in a pile of clothes and put on whatever happened to be touching his body is being the guy who buys his cool by dropping stacks on every single Supreme drop, or just cops one of everything that’s new at Opening Ceremony. Much like the only way to find the perfect strain of weed is by smoking a bunch of different strains of weed and seeing which one zaps your brain into the perfect realm of chill, the only way to develop true style is by searching out clothes that feel like they belong on your body. That takes time and persistence, not money.
TREE: “Stoner Fashion” Isn’t A “Thing”
This might be sort of contradictory given that this is a column about stoner fashion, but go with it. Just because you wear tie-dye doesn’t mean you’re a pothead, and just because you’re a pothead doesn’t mean you have to wear tie-dye. But also, there’s a way to wear tie-dye and be a pothead and not look like shit. Was it Kierkegaard or Dick Van Patten who said, “If you label me, you negate me”?
QUATRE: Don’t Wear Stuff With Secret Pockets To Hide Your Weed In
Look. It’s 2016. You don’t need to be all clandestine about the fact that you’ve got that loud on you when you go out in public. By hiding your weed in some pouch sewn into the inseam of the elastane jeans I just told you to buy, you’re just making it harder to fish it out of your pants when you wanna smoke it, plus it’ll probably make your weed smell weird.
Are you over 18?
FIFTHLY: Don’t Dress Like You’re 14 And/Or A Member of Odd Future
This means minimal graphic T’s, no dumb-ass kitchy patterns, nothing that’s trendy now but is gonna look dated as hell in three years, and NOTHING with a weed leaf pattern on it. The only exception to this rule is if you are actually 14 and/or a member of Odd Future, in which case you definitionally can’t not dress like you’re 14 and/or a member of Odd Future. For the rest of you—just like them white lines, don’t do it.
6: Mix And Match
You ever heard of a little philosophy called high-low? It means you should take some fancy bits of your wardrobe and mix it with some trashy parts of your wardrobe. It’s important, because it’s more or less the governing philosophy behind most popular fashion right now. It is also important because it contains the word “high,” which is what weed gets you.
SE7EN: Never Tie Your Shoes
Think of all the time you’d save if you never tied your shoes. Days. You know what you could be doing with all that extra time? Smoking weed. Just knot them fuckers once and slip in and out of ‘em as you please.
EIGHTH: Get A Dog
Trust me on this one, dogs go great with every outfit, and they’re like stuffed animals but real. Excellent for palling around with while high.