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© 2019 MERRY JANE. All Rights Reserved.

“Amazon Reviews: The Musical!” Rolls With Only the Finest Five-Star Toilet Paper

Go BTS on “Great Value,” from the hilarious web-series inspired by earnest product reviews.

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When I was trolling the annals of Amazon searching for the purest, most earnest and emotional product reviews, I was a little overwhelmed. So many products, so many characters, so many feelings—the possibilities were endless. I needed a starting point. I thought, “What do all human beings use?” And thus began my quest for the finest toilet paper review I could find.

I fancied the idea of someone REALLY loving their toilet paper experience, so I gravitated toward the best five-star TP reviews. That’s how I found “JG,” one of Amazon’s Top 500 Reviewers.

JG’s Amazon profile. Image via Amazon/Lauren Maul

I imagine being a “Top Reviewer” on Amazon feels like having tons of Twitter followers and receiving positive YouTube comments at the same time. Your opinions matter and people are in respectful awe of all your online musings. Your Internet cred is so high that your profile image can simply be a photo of a tiny plane and no one will question you. In other words, the reviewer known as JG is cool AF.

Yes, JG loved this toilet paper—his Quilted Northern Ultra Plush Bath Tissue, to be precise. But like any good review, it’s not as simple as that. JG wanted to know if he could use this toilet paper in his RV, so he put some in a jar of water and shook it up, shook it up, shook it up for a biiiiit. Will the toilet paper work in his RV, or will it clog his tank and break his heart?

JG’s Amazon review. Image via Amazon/Lauren Maul

I am not a stranger to RV septic heartbreak. Growing up, my grandpa had one of these “Recreational Vehicles” parked in the backyard. My cousins and I were strictly forbidden to use the toilet in the RV since it wasn’t hooked up to anything, which meant it was unflushable. Effectively, it was a petite porta-potty inside a really big van.

Episode star Gabe Morales talkin TP. Image via Lauren Maul

Using the RV toilet hadn’t even been on our radar until then, but being told repeatedly not to use it suddenly made it seem really appealing. So, we all began secretly using the RV bathroom. We even told the scrappy neighborhood kids they could use it. The power of a forbidden bathroom eventually went to our heads and overloaded the RV’s tank. After that, Grandpa started locking the RV.

Morales and dancers loving TF out of some TP. Image via Lauren Maul

Like my Grandpa, JG really, REALLY loves his RV. The episode’s star, Gabe Morales, did a winning job of bringing this passion to life. Wearing the scrubs, face mask, and gloves and using the tongs were all his ideas. (Probably because he’s a magical acting warlock….)

Fun fact: We filmed this episode in the same basement where we filmed Cody V. KORG and the Jason Priestley episodes. And don’t worry, unlike the RV commode, the toilet used in this episode worked perfectly.

Stay tuned for next week when my cat Bear makes her acting debut in one man’s fabulous review of a cat castle.

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