Have you ever gotten so blazed that you tried to start your car while it was already running? What about that time you hot-boxed your car before a movie, then forgot which movie you came to see halfway through the previews? If you tend to forget things easily and often wind up in sticky predicaments because you got high, the good news is you’re not alone.
The bad news is it might be time to lay off the ganja for a day or two and re-gather your senses (or what’s left of them). I know, I know – there are very few reasons not to smoke and believe me when I say that I will find any possible excuse to saturate the ol’ noggin, but I can assure you that these next seven examples are surefire ways to tell that you need to ease off the herb and replenish your mental batteries:
#1- You hit the bong only to realize you forgot to put water in it
Now I don’t know about you, but I have done this more than once and every time it happens I feel like the biggest dumbass on Plizzanet Earth. Generally this only happens once I’ve already gotten properly ripped and decide to get out Bongzilla in order to rattle up the locals a bit more (a.k.a. my brain cells).
Operating a “water pipe” really only has two parts to it: fill it with water and pack some herb into it. That’s it. If you can’t manage to nail both parts of the equation, it might be time to return that dry bong from whence it came and read a book or something.
#2- Three hours into the workday and you look down to see that you’re wearing two different shoes
Being a writer certainly has its perks, like never having to wear pants and always being within 15 steps of the kitchen. However, I wasn’t always so fortunate to be able to call the couch my “office”.
I like to blame it on the fact that my job required me to get up and out the door at 5 a.m. that day, but really I know it was because at least one foot was still feeling the effects of the night before. Nothing snaps you back to the cold hard reality that you might be hitting the hay a bit too hard like discovering you have two completely different shoes on at your place of employment.
Please tell me I’m not the only one that has done this. Please?
#3- Your most recent bank statement looks like you’re investing in Popeye’s, Taco Bell and Hostess
New Year’s diet plans are great and all, but once you’ve got the late-night munchies everything seems to be fair game. To find out if this example of doobie debauchery applies to you, take a look at your latest credit card or bank statement and count the number of times you’ve eaten at one of the fast-food establishments commonly frequented by those of us that would have to be high to eat there.
If you count twenty or more trips in the last month, it may be time to put Sister Mary down for a bit and try some snap peas, you little pot-bellied piggy.
Are you over 18?
#4- Your ‘to-do’ list hasn’t seen a check mark in weeks (except for “buy more weed”)
Sure, some strains can definitely leave you feeling productive and energized, but others have the exact opposite effect and will leave you drooling on your Xbox controller while you shove chicken nuggets into your gaping pie hole.
If your ‘to-do’ list is in need of some serious attention, perhaps it’s time to get motivated and put the skunk back in its cage. To start things off, make a new item on your list that says “pass on grass” and check that bad boy off. That’s one!
Next, tackle the most difficult chores that you’ve been putting off because hey, you’re going to be sober anyway and you might as well get all the crappy stuff out of the way in one horrible day of sobriety and productiveness.
#5- Jumping off of a fourth floor balcony starts to seem like a good idea
Unfortunately, this actually happened. In March of 2014, a 19-year old man decided to try edibles for the first time and ended up eating way too many marijuana-laced cookies for a noobie. Sadly, he died from injuries he sustained after jumping from a fourth-story balcony, bringing the official marijuana-related death toll up to a whopping one that year.
If you start thinking that you’ve magically sprouted wings and can suddenly fly, it’s definitely time for you to take a time-out from toking.
#6- When you turn on the oven to cook a pizza, come back 15 minutes later to check on it, then realize it’s still in the plastic wrapper on top of the counter…
Are you over 18?
Everybody knows that nothing satisfies a hungry belly quite like one of those 5-for-$10 Totino’s party pizzas, but the only problem is you have to remember to put the damn thing in the oven if you want to eat it. To me, this just seems like a serious design flaw; why wouldn’t you just make a pizza box that cooks away once it reaches a certain temperature, thereby leaving a tasty and package-free pizza ready to eat?
Oh man, this could be the idea that finally makes me millions! Imagine how many Totino’s pizzas you could buy with a million bucks!
#7- You try to get your credit score to 420 - on purpose
When your credit starts to suffer, this could be a sure sign that you need a little break from the bubonic chronic. Don’t get me wrong- I’ve had passwords, apartments and unscheduled “safety meetings” at work with this culturally significant number in them, but if you ever want to qualify for low-APR financing on a new set of grills, you’d better aim a bit higher.
No pun intended.