Sometimes we're still in disbelief that companies drug test their employees for weed. Given that cannabis is used by all sorts of people to successfully treat anxiety and depression — among countless other ailments — patients and consumers will function better at work if they're allowed to use their medicine. It seems cruel that addictive pharmaceuticals such as benzodiazepines are chill if they're doctor-prescribed, but for those who prefer a natural route to treat anxiety or pain, one piss test could leave you unemployed.
By drug testing employees for cannabis, federally-funded companies and prohibition-friendly organizations are filtering out some the most qualified job candidates. Even former FBI director James Comey joked about this in 2014, stating that the bureau should re-evaluate its drug-testing policy to attract better hires. And as legalization spreads, more Americans are using cannabis to enhance their life and improve their health. The result? According to a 2017 report, positive drug tests for marijuana are at a 12-year high.
To avoid testing positive and losing a job offer, many cannabis users go through some extreme measures to make sure they pass a pee test, or even worse, the dreaded hair follicle test. We spoke to a handful of marijuana enthusiasts who've unsuccessfully tried to deceive these drug tests through a variety of gambits, from buying BS cleanses to basically moving into the gym with hopes of sweating out the THC. Unfortunately, many of these tricks and overpriced cleansing kits don't work at all.
Clear Choice's hair follicle shampoo, available here
Some do, however, such as Clear Choice Rescue Cleanse, which is available in various sizes depending on your weight and consumption patterns. THC is stored in your fat and builds up over time. It can be difficult to gauge when you're in the clear and have clean urine for a piss test. A single smoke sesh will leave your body in about a week, but heavy users could test positive for up to 77 days. This is why if you're going the detox route, it's important to opt for quality products from legit companies.
For example, instead of asking your little brother to pee into a condom, as one subject told us, go for Clear Choice Sub Solution. It's heat-activated, which you can't say for a cold Trojan filled with someone else's urine. And instead of taping that piss condom to your thigh, Clear Choice's Incognito Belt comes with pre-mixed synthetic urine within the discreet device, preventing any spillage or accidental self-narcing. Or if you're worried about a hair test, don't be like Matt — who you'll meet shortly — and shave off your beautiful hair. Rather, wash up with some Clear Choice Hair Follicle Shampoo, which will ensure you pass your drug test and keep your coiffe, too. Similarly, if your employer hits you with the saliva test, go for Clear Choice's Oral Clear Gum and no one will be the wiser.
Clear Choice's Rescue Cleanse, available for purchase here
Thankfully, with the rise of legalization, fewer companies are testing piss for pot. Maine even recently passed legislation that will institutionally protect employees from unfair hiring and firing practices due to cannabis use. That said, as long as marijuana is federally illegal, drug testing will still be the norm for the millions of Americans who work for the government. In case your ability to feed yourself rests on a paycheck from a job that's not 420-friendly, check out Clear Choice and breathe a sigh of relief. And to get a chuckle, read the stories of would-be employees who attempted to deceive drug tests using some DIY methods — bless their herb-filled hearts for sharing their tales with MERRY JANE so you don't have to repeat the same mistakes.
All names and some identifying details have been changed to protect anonymity
Clear Choice's Incognito belt with disposable heat pads, available to purchase here
New York City
I was up for a finance job in New York when I graduated college, and there were rumors that they drug tested there. I had spent my entire college life stoned, so I quit smoking for the entire summer, which made me awful to be around — as I use cannabis to treat depression and anxiety. Oh, and I shaved my head, too, in case they did a hair test. So I basically transformed myself into someone who looked and acted like a psychotic police officer. I got the job, and I kept up the no smoking for my first six months, but they never tested me. To this day, I am surprised I didn't get fired for being such an intense nervous wreck during the interviews.
I worked at this awful country club that drug tested its employees. I was there working in the pro shop, but I also was up for a lifeguard position. I heard that if you worked out, you could sweat traces of drugs out your system, so I obsessively hit the gym and stopped smoking for two weeks. It didn't work, they took my pee, and I failed. That said, my body was insanely hot during this time period. I lost my job, but at least I looked good.
I was working at a school district and found out that they were going to test my piss. I knew when my drug test was, so I had my little brother, who was still in high school and straight-laced as hell, pee into a condom. I taped the condom to my leg, brought a safety pin with me, and my plan was to poke a hole in the pee-condom, so it looked and sounded like I was peeing. I smoke so much weed that there was no way I'd ever pass. But, the tester creepily came with me into the bathroom, which was lined with urinals in a totally open area and watched. I poked the condom in a panic and the whole thing exploded. The broken condom fell on the floor right in front of the person looking over my shoulder. I never even got a chance to take the second test; they fired me for that.
During my first summer as a beach lifeguard job, my employers called me in for the test… right as I was hitting a joint on the beach. I asked to be able to take it a few days later and got a detox drink, and I guess I passed. The second summer I had to take another drug test, and this time I used a different detox drink. I didn't give myself the right amount of time for it to work, though. I got a call that something came up on my test, but I was hired with a "pending" qualifier. I'm pretty sure the only reason they gave me the job again was because they didn't have anyone else to hire.
One summer, I was doing an intensive internship with a company that was supposed to lead to a full-time position. At the end of busting my ass for three months, they told me I would have to take a drug test if I wanted to come back and work for them after I graduated. They didn't tell me when exactly it would be, but they vaguely suggested it'd go down in the next week or two.
I'd been smoking a quarter of flower every week for years, and even upped my intake because it was the summer! So I panicked — I needed to get the job — and immediately went to the closest headshop I could find. I bought roughly $80 of all these suspicious-looking detox drinks, ones with the same type of flashing labeling as those bootleg Viagra pills they sell at bodegas. You know, the types of products that are definitely not FDA-approved and don't even list the ingredients inside these cutty potions.
I drank them all immediately, and they each tasted terrible — as bad as drinking piss, if not worse. For the next 24 hours, I had to pee non-stop, and my urine was neon orange! I kid you not, it was like an electrical current was flowing through the stream. I was terrified about what was going on inside me. Anyway, after all this, they did make me take the drug test. But they gave me a hair follicle test, despite me asking (maybe too enthusiastically) to take a urine test. Anyway, they took some of my locks and guess what? I didn't pass. Not worth the urological nightmare. I should have kept smoking and said fuck it.
For more on Clear Choice and their various detox products, visit here
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